Sinking in

I'm 8 days into my tenure as a black belt in Brazilian jiu jitsu. It's still surreal. I still feel overwhelmed and like maybe it shouldn't be true. But I hesitate even to express my doubts, because then that sounds like I'm questioning the decision of my instructors, which I don't, and which would be incredibly disrespectful. I just feel like I have so much work to do. Lots of people I know who have gotten the black belt say that once that happens, it's time to learn. And I have a pretty good sense of the things I want to focus on.

But it's still completely huge and daunting, which is partly why I haven't written much. I'm still getting my mind around it. It's the culmination of 12 years of my life, of my development as a person. So in some ways, everything is different. But on the other hand, I got the belt on Saturday, and then this past week I got on the mat and trained the way I normally do. Maybe I was a bit more subdued, and maybe I kept looking down at the belt and wondering why it wasn't brown. But the point is, I don't know THAT much more today than I did 8 days ago. So in some ways, nothing is different.

Blah. This is the time when I should have something really deep and articulate to say. I got nothing. I can talk about the ceremony itself, and I'll do that eventually. For now, I somehow think the stuttering and stammering is actually the best way I can express how profound--and how not profound--this all is and should be.

One thing I do want to say is thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone who has helped me get here. I don't know what I do to deserve such friends and family, but I hope I keep doing it for ever and ever amen.