A grappler looks at forty
Been experiencing some tribulations lately (I used to think that "trials and tribulations" were antonyms, but it turns out they mean the same thing), so I have gone to the mattresses lately, trying to hunker down and let them pass over me. For now, they are washing over me, which is slightly different. But at least I'm thorough: I've got tribulations in pretty much every arena you could name, to say nothing of the fact that I lost in the first round in both my Mundials divisions (weight class and open). This too, shall pass, and I'm handling it with some help from some of the people who love me, but it's definitely stinky.
I know this will come as a surprise, but all of this is making me contemplative. I'm turning 40 next month, and I'm thinking a lot about where I am relative to where I thought I'd be when I hit this age. It's been fun to be a grappling dirtbag for the past 4 years, but there are some aspects of this lifestyle that are wearing thin and that are starting to strike me as a bit unseemly. I don't know precisely what's unseemly about it, because it's not like I raise hell and have an out of control gambling habit, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm getting too old for this shit.
So I don't know what this means, practically speaking. I'll always train and I'll always CrossFit. On the other hand, I don't know how many more competitions I have in me (though I know I have retired no fewer than 5 times in the past), and I don't know how much longer I want to be pursuing a dream when I don't know exactly what it is.
Anyway, so there it is. There's where I have been. I may get more like this as July 15 approaches (beware the Ides of July). I don't know. Maybe I should just have a beer. Meh. I go through these times sometimes, and they pass. I'd just like this one to pass soon, please. But anyway, that's a lot of why I haven't been writing much. I'm not making a lot of time for it because I'm busy making a living when I'm not training and CrossFitting, and when I do have the time, I don't have much to say. Or, more accurately, I don't have the energy to pay attention to the level of detail I have provided in the past. And I probably sound whiny. So things get boring.
Speaking of which, it's about 9:30pm, which means its past my bedtime. Night night.
posted by Valerie @ 9:07 PM
4 Comments:
Valerie,
I'd have to say that you inspire me.
I just turned 37 and I feel the ups and downs of jiu-jitsu training. I see the guys in their 20s with their speed and vigor. I fight the good fight in the hopes that I can take a glimmer of that intensity.
The thing I keep telling myself is that I always want to be challenged. That thought pushes me up the hill when I don't want to anymore. I know in my heart that I will succeed as long as I "just keep swimming" (Finding Nemo).
I see the physical part of stepping on the mats as only 20% of the whole competition experience. If I win; well that gravy. If I lose; I now know what to work on. Other perks to coming to tournaments are: I get to revisit missed friends and newer ones like yourself, I get to see some awesome matches, and finally it's a riot to see the taunting between teams up in the stands.
So even though I too lost my first match; for me the Mundials was a win-win-win-win-win experience.
Thank you again for your efforts in writing your blog and your inspiring work in jiu-jitsu.
It's just a number. Do you what you feel... Do what you love.
~Assassin
I'll be 38 in August and just shy of two years of training. I sympathize. Fortunately you don't have to ever come up with a "permanent" answer to these questions. Live the questions and someday you will live your way to the answers, and as long as you're enjoying what you're doing, that's what counts. Not what match you fall in, but that you keep getting up afterwards :)
Hey Valerie, can you drop me a line regarding you blog? mike(at)mmaoutlet.com. Thanks! Mike
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