Spent the weekend getting my CrossFit barbell cert on with Traver and Eric. What. A. Blast. Who knew picking up heavy things and putting them back down could be so much freaking fun--and so complex and intellectually stimulating? We covered the back squat, the press, the bench press, the deadlift, and the clean. I cannot wait to work on them some more! Coach Rippetoe is an amazing instructor, not to mention the biggest curmudgeon around. It's fantastic. His rants were far-ranging and never disappointing, about Canadians, cyclists, how difficult it is to eat crabs, orthopedists, pediatricians, and basically everyone in the room (at one point he said, "Now is about the time when I have to tell everyone to shut the fuck up.")

In short, he is the kind of coach for whom you would die rather than quit.

It was a fantastic weekend; my form improved drastically on all 5 of the lifts. Of course, they are still pretty bad, but they are worlds better than they were. It's amazing how having that kind of coaching can help you make such huge strides forward in such a short time. Maybe a few lifetimes from now I'll be as good a coach as Rip. Meantime, it's nice to know he's out there, hating most people and dropping the F-bomb like it's hot.

In other news, check out http://www.themat.com/section.php?section_id=3&page=showarticle&ArticleID=20866 for an article on Felicia, in which she mentions me, Emily, and the women's grappling camp. The camp really has legs. It's happening. A lot. Repeatedly. Chicks like us. They really like us!

Further, if you check out the Fightworks Podcast again (http://www.thefightworkspodcast.com) again, you can hear the second half of Felicia's, Emily's, and my round table with Bruce Hoyer about women in grappling. Okay, it may be a bit overshadowed by that minor tournament known as the Abu Dhabi Combat Club international tournament, which is only the premiere grappling event ever, but that's okay. This is episode 181. I haven't listened to it yet.

And finally, I think I'm going to join Traver and Eric in going hard-core paleo for the month of October. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, the Paleo diet is sort of the caveman deal where you only eat things that were available to cavemen: meat, nuts, seeds, fruits and veggies, and eggs (yeah, the eggs thing surprised me too. Maybe dodo eggs or something. Yes, I know my chronology. No, I don't.)

Some people say the paleo diet will reduce your allergies, give you extra energy, save you a fortune on car insurance. I want to give it a try to see how it feels, to see whether it helps with my sugar cravings (assuming I can get past the initial ones), and to have an excuse to complain about going paleo. I'll keep you posted. I start on Thursday. Meantime, I'm drinking a diet Coke and just had an ice cream sandwich.

Curve ball

Okay, so some of you may already have seen this footage:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-VfDAvQjI

which is me at my Fifty/50 seminar showing a defense to the guillotine choke on my friend Ryan Hall. The defense can also be used as a submission, as the footage shows. I guess I applied too much shoulder pressure, which put him to sleep. Snoring and everything. He is such a good sport--I, on the other hand, freaked out, as you can see. He was just OUT, and he started to convulse a little bit, so I got scared. (Mostly I was scared they were going to decide not to pay me. And to press charges.)

So since that's probably the worst thing that could happen at a seminar and I survived, I don't have anything to worry about anymore--other than that I'll probably never be invited to do another seminar. I also dodged one bullet and took another. The bullet I dodged is that nobody commented on my hair. I don't know what it was doing at that moment--it was all high and swirly and disheveled. (This is all the more reason for me never to be caught on film in any form or fashion.) The bullet I took was that various people gave me heat for the way I pronounced "guillotine." I pronounced the Ls instead of saying "gee-oh-tine."

I actually debated how to say the word, knowing that the Marcels of the world would give a crap and would give me crap. I decided to say the Ls because it sounded less pretentious. And those of you who don't like it can suck un oeuf and tell un ami.

Anyway, I THINK the seminar went well, but it's hard to say. I liked the stuff I showed, but I don't know how well I showed it. I forgot lots of details, and when I asked for feedback, people seemed to be okay with what I showed and the level of detail. I went around to each pair to make sure they were getting things, and that seemed to be helpful. So I'll just assume everyone got their money's worth, especially because I put my host to sleep. SERIOUS sleep. Maybe I just worry too much.

In other news, I head to Santa Barbara tomorrow to hook up with Traver and Eric, and then we head to Santa Cruz for a CrossFit barbell certification with the legendary Mark Rippetoe. We're going to be working on deadlifts, bench presses, back squats and the like. I fully expect Mark to live up to his name and rip my squat a new one. He is, shall we say, irreverent. But he's also incredibly knowledgeable, so I embrace the rip-age. I'll keep you posted. I'm really looking forward to this cert, even though I'm traveling like a crazy person lately. My goal this weekend is to get a 300lb deadlift. I figure if anybody can get me there from my current personal record of 285, it's Rippetoe.

Next week I will settle in for a couple weekends of no traveling. This means, I hope, that I'll get to do some serious writing, searching for an agent, and looking for a home, whether in SoCal or Portland, or some other friggin' place. Who knows?

Meanwhile, best of luck to Ryan, Lana Stefanac, and all my other pals who are competing in the ADCC tournament this weekend in Barcelona! Also, best of luck to all my CrossFit friends who are participating in the Fight Gone Bad fundraiser. I hope you raise a crapload!

Okay, off to grade some papers, take a nap, and then go train in the pajamas.

Checking in from RVA

I have been having a ball in Richmond, seeing some friends, doing some training, getting ready for my seminar tonight at Fifty/50. I'm excited and nervous about the seminar; it's the first one I've ever done, and I vacillate between thinking I know some things about grappling and thinking I know jack crap about grappling. I put together a handout for the participants that started out as a cheat sheet for me, but then it occurred to me that since the thing I remember most about the seminars I have attended is how little I remember from the seminars I have attended, I decided to make it a takeaway. I know most people who do seminars just do them from memory and decide on the fly what they want to show, but I have a brain like a sieve, so I'm glad to have a cheat sheet.

Teaching grappling is so funny, because you're basically trying to force yourself to bring back to conscious awareness all the moves you spent years making rote and instinctual. In other words, you WANT to get to the place where you don't think about what you do when you grapple. You want to get to the place where you just do it, because muscle memory works faster than stupid brains, which insist on analyzing and doubting and making you miss your opportunity because your opponent didn't have to stop to think and instead just acted, leaving you tapping like the Little Drummer Boy, which fortunately, somehow, IS rote and instinctual.

But then when you teach, you have to re-surface all those steps and variations and body part placements, not only to bring them back to your conscious mind, but also to put words to them for someone else to try to consume. Many someone elses, in this case. And you also never know what's going to be novel or boring, simple or complicated for a given group or group of individuals. People are very unpredictable (read: annoying) in this way.

So I'm just gonna go in and show some of the moves I love to do and that have worked well for me at tournaments and in my own training. As Emily says about her jiu jitsu journey, I'm fortunate that many hands have shaped my game and my grappling personality, and I'm going to do my best to share that personality with the people who are kind enough to come to my seminar. (And if that doesn't work, I'll lay it on thickly with the self-deprecating humor. People love the self-deprecating humor.)

Wish me luck!

Oh, and in other news, check out http://thefightworkspodcast.com, episode 180 (the current episode as of 9/21/09, but that will obviously change in the near future), for a round table discussion with me, Emily, Felicia, and correspondent Bruce Hoyer, who asked us about the women's grappling camp and the state of women's grappling generally. It was cool to be part of that!

Tomorrow it's back to SoCal, when I'll take another trip to Monrovia and plan a trip to Portland. Life is busy but good.

Forward momentum...?

The tournament was a lot of fun! I saw some good matches, as I predicted, and I ran into many friends and acquaintances, some of whom invited me to come train with them. In the coming weeks, I'd like to take them up on it. Tournaments remind me of how many great people there are in the grappling world, and how many of them live in SoCal. I want to take advantage of the opportunity to learn from them while I can.

Yes, I guess that's a bit of foreshadowing. I don't know for sure that I'll be leaving SoCal any time soon, but I am pondering it as an option. (Okay, this is a bit more than the fluff I promised to write about in my last post, but the comment option is still disabled completely for Anonymous and as much as possible for everyone else, so here I go.) I'm feeling very restless, and like maybe I have spent the summer closing a chapter of my life. I don't yet really know exactly what the chapter has contained, because I still plan to train and compete, CrossFit and write, which is basically what I do now. But I have experienced/caused a few doors to close in recent months, starting with cleaning out my storage locker in Chicago. That sort of signified that I'm done there. Even though I knew I was, it was a period at the end of a sentence. A teary, gut-wrenching period.

And I have made other profound decisions since then, including the very difficult one to switch CrossFit gyms. As a lot of you know, I have been training at CrossFit LA, nee Petranek Fitness, since I started doing CrossFit in April 2007. Well, the drive clear across town has finally gotten to me. I have been driving 35 miles/45 minutes each way, 3 times a week, to get to Petranek. I have decided to start going to Team CrossFit Academy (http://www.teamcrossfitacademy.com), in Monrovia, in November, when my time is up at CFLA; Monrovia is about 15 miles and 20 minutes away, which will be a big difference. TCFA is run by Eric LeClair, who was one of the instructors at my level one certification. To say that Eric's knowledge of CrossFit principles and ability to teach them are exemplary is to understate the case. I'm going to get instruction that is just as good as the instruction I've gotten for all this time at CFLA. I'm glad to say that everyone at CFLA supports my decision and that I'll always be part of the family there, and I'm grateful to everything they have helped me do and become.

As with many things in my life, one decision tends to start a domino effect. And right now, I'm exploring two paths, neither of which may actually end up being the one I take. But also as with many things in my life, I am just focusing on what's most compelling, because that tends to be the most direct way toward what I really want. At least, that's what I have to tell myself so I don't freak out or freeze in my tracks.

Okay, there's one path, really, but two directions it could take. The path: I need a change of scenery; I'm not happy living in Whittier anymore. So one thing I'm considering is moving to Monrovia. Especially if I get accepted into the internship program Eric runs at his academy, I will be spending a lot of time there. And I could just commute to New Breed; I'd have to commute to one or the other, so maybe choosing to live closer to my CrossFit gym rather than my grappling gym would be the shot in the arm I need.

To that end, I went to Monrovia today just to drive around. Old Town actually looks very much like Whittier, only a little bigger and maybe a little more modern (they have a Baskin Robbins AND a Pinkberry. Nice.). I found one studio for rent and put in a call about it, though I haven't heard anything back. I would like to find another place like the one I live in now: partially furnished and very small. Not so interested in maintaining a large home, at least for the time being.

I got a fairly good feeling about Monrovia; or at least, I didn't get a negative feeling. There was a restaurant called "Mundial," which means "world" in Portugese, and is the shorthand term for the world BJJ tournament I competed in back in June (the one my parents came to watch me compete in). The streets are named things like "Lemon" and "Lime." It is close to the 10, the 605 AND the 210. And like I said, ice cream. And cute coffee shops and bakeries.

So, I'd like to find a month-to-month, partially furnished studio for around the same amount I'm paying right now. In Monrovia.

On the other hand, the other direction the path could take is toward Portland, OR. (Yes, I realize this would make it difficult for me to train at New Breed or Team CF Academy on a regular basis.) Here's why I'm considering Portland: In the past week, two friends who are from there and/or live there now have suggested I visit. On the suggestion of a third friend, I went to http://www.chooseyourspot.com, which is a website that pinpoints a geographic location you're likely to be happy living in based on your responses to questions about geographic, political, meteorological, and social preferences.

After I punched in my preferences, I got a list of cities/towns that would suit me. Of the top ten in my list, 4 hits were in Oregon: Portland, Eugene, Corvallis, and Medford.

Doesn't seem like a coincidence. And add to that that there is a New Breed in Portland, and it seems like I'm being beaten about the head to check it out. So I'm going to. I already emailed Eben, who runs the Portland New Breed, to make sure he'll be around when I plan to visit, which should be some time in October.

Anyway, as I mentioned in my Facebook status update, I feel like a coiled spring, or a drawn-back bow, or a monkey in a tree waiting to jump onto any unwitting bananas or other fruits that might happen by. I'm getting ready to act. I just don't know exactly what I need to do. So I'm going to make plans to visit Portland, continue to scope out Monrovia, prepare for a couple of no-gi tournaments that are coming up, and start cleaning house--making sure I'm light enough to travel if/when the time comes, wherever I end up going.

If I stop to think about it too much, I worry that I'm just planning to run away, like I did when I left Chicago over 3 years ago. But then I remember that my intuition hasn't really steered me wrong, so I just have to pursue this line of action and trust that it will lead me to where I need to go, whether that means actually going elsewhere or making dfferent choices in my current location to shake things up. One time when I was still living in Chicago, I got a really strong feeling that I should visit Boulder, CO. So I did. And obviously I didn't end up living there. I still don't really know why I was supposed to go there, but it must have led to my next step in some way. So the moral of the story is that not everything I feel compelled to do leads to the next obvious step (i.e., visiting Portland may not result in me moving there, but will take me forward). And equally importantly, seeing where this leads can't hurt me in any way.

Anyway, in the meantime, I'm going about my business. I leave on Thursday for Richmond, VA, to visit some friends (Chrissy, Brian, Andrew, Cynthia, Mikebyrd, Klint, Burdo, Liz, and Trey--oh, and Deke, Miles, and Lego) and do a seminar at Fifty-50 BJJ in Arlington, VA (http://www.5050bjj.com). Fifty-50 is run by my pals Ryan, Seph, and Jen, and I'm really honored that they asked me to come.

Then next weekend I head up to Santa Cruz with Traver and Eric for a CrossFit barbell certification with Mark Rippetoe. And I'm continuing to teach and train and eat and sleep and pursue happiness.

Oh, the happiness. Whenever I find myself having to WORK at being happy, like I have been (with relatively little success) the past couple months, I remember something a very wise person once said: "Being happy is difficult. That's why so many people stop trying."

Here's to NEVER deciding to stop trying. Even when it would be easier.

Next...

No, you still can't make comments. I've gotten some nice emails from people voicing their support for me, though, so thanks for those. I have been thinking about the definition of insanity, which is something like "doing the same thing but expecting a different outcome." I had been continuing to write things that are sensitive to me and expecting Anonymous and other people to respond in a way that's more palatable to me. But it hasn't been happening. So for me to continue doing it is insanity, no? I have three choices: disable comments, as Becca suggested, write about things that are less sensitive to me, or both. For now, I think I'm going to do both.

Before I do, I want to comment on one thing: I think part of what is pissing me off about people's opinions of me is that they are drawing conclusions without knowing the whole story about what's going on in my life. I do write as honestly as possible about a lot of what goes on with me. But I do not write about everything. So everyone knows what I choose to share with them. What I do share I share as honestly as I can. But you guys don't get it all.

Yes, I ask for feedback by posting. (But if the tables were turned, I'd spend a LOT more time checking my own motivations and agenda than some of the peanut gallery members around here do before I opened my yap.) That is easily remedied, by disabling comments and posting about fluff. (I'm too self-centered to stop posting altogether.)

Thus, in lighter, airier news, in the souffle of news, as it were, tomorrow and Sunday is the US Nationals in Carson. I'm not competing, but some friends are here to put on their pajamas and duke it out, namely Liz & Burdo, Emily & Gerry, and some of the New Breed guys from Chicago, Michigan, and Oregon. So I'm excited to see some people and some good pajama fights!

I also may be getting a line on what my next step is re: where to live and whether I will/should stay in SoCal or move altogether, but we'll table that for now because I'm still mulling it over. In the meantime, I head to Richmond, VA, on Thursday to visit the crew there, help out at the Pendergrass tournament, and do a seminar at Fifty/50 BJJ, run by my pals Ryan, Seph, and Jen.

So there you have it--a wholly uncontroversial, and probably wholly boring, post. I'm going sleepies now, because I'm getting up ass early for a CrossFit workout involving hang squat snatches. And yes, they are as cool and mysterious as they sound! And then it's off to the tourney, where I will run around, eat acai, and run around some more, all while watching awesome grapply!

One final note: Moment of silence for all those lost on 9/11/01. RIP.

No more comments

I've disabled the comments function as much as I can. Call it childish, call it "emotional," call it Betty. I don't care. Thanks to Becca for the suggestion (though I know others have made it too).

Getting "emotional"

When people say they are getting "emotional," they usually mean they are crying or angry or feeling one of the emotions that nobody really likes to feel. But this weekend has been a truly emotional one in the literal sense of the word--I have been running the gamut in terms of what I've been feeling, from anger to exhilaration to tears to everything in between. Contentment, gratitude, happiness, fear, anxiety, envy, sadness, despair, excitement, exhaustion (is that an emotion?) etc. What are the other emotions that I didn't list here? I have felt them this weekend too.

I got to visit CrossFit Pacific Coast in Santa Barbara again and hang out with Traver, Eric, Su, Miguel, and, of course, River, the newest CFPC member. River was also the best at sniffing, panting, and lying around while the rest of us did the CrossFit Total, which I've never done before. CF Total is 3 attempts on one rep of each of 3 movements: deadlift, back squat, and shoulder press. I PRed on each movement! Deadlift was 285, back squat was 165, and shoulder press was 80. So my total was 530. That's a lot of pounds!

Anyway, so then we spent the rest of the day hanging out and talking at Su and Miguel's place and eating delicious, not-very-Zoney/Paleo foods (though there was plenty of BBQed meat). It was a gorgeous day, it was great company, and lots of people picked up really heavy weights and quickly put them down again.

Yesterday I trained lightly with some friends and then went to a my friend Dawn's place to cook out with some CrossFit pals. They did a CrossFit workout that I "missed," and then we sat around and laughed and ate and laughed and ate some more.

So all the "positive" emotions found their way into my day with those groups; it was easy because they are all wonderful people. All the "negative" ones cropped up when I was alone and contemplating my near future. (Word to the wise: keep Kleenex in your car, because it's hard to use your shirt to mop up snot.) I'm crying and angry and stuff because I'm uncertain about the future, but frankly, I don't want to write much about it because I don't want to hear from the anonymous peanut gallery about how I'm being a victim and doing things wrong.

Suffice it to say that I'm a bit weary of feeling down; it's been a rough summer and I'm ready for a turnaround. I have done a couple very difficult things very recently that I think will help me head in an upward direction, but I'm still waiting to see if that's actually the case. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm making a point of taking opportunities to be with people who make me feel happy, because then I feel happier.

And at least I'm feeling more compelled to write. That's a good sign. I keep getting evidence from people that there really is a there there in terms of my grappling walkabout, and I want to continue to work on that, even though my agent dumped me. There are other agents in the sea, right? Also, I'm going to be really busy this fall, and that will keep me from thinking too much, which is one of my tendencies that isn't such a great idea. I'm going to intend to feel my way from now on, much as Olivia Newton-John suggests John Travolta do in the song You're the One That I Want in the movie Grease. Only I'm not going to tart myself up the way she did (though admittedly she did look good).

It's just a lonely patch right now. I may need to make a grand gesture, which I was hoping not to have to make. What I mean by that is that I may need to move. I keep threatening to, but Whittier, at least, isn't the right place for me anymore. I don't know if that means Southern California isn't the right place or if I just need to move somewhere within SoCal. (And yes, Anonymous, I'm still waiting for a sign about that. So keep your mouth shut about it and take care of your own shit. I'm sure you have some.)

Plus, I'm back on the sauce. (Sauce = diet Coke) I was off for about a month, but at the camp I went back to relying on it because of the time difference and the crazy long hours we were putting in. Oh, and today I kicked one of the iron bars on the window at New Breed while rolling. (We were doing competition-style rolling to get some people ready for the US Nationals on Saturday. I'm not competing. Nobody really in my division, and my head isn't in it right now anyway.) It hurt my foot. And then I tweaked my own hip while trying to duck under for a double-leg takedown. (This is why I don't like takedowns--I hurt myself. In stupid ways.)

So I'm gimpy on my left side because of the spaz factor, a little achy on my back because of the lifts, and a little flabby because of the Labor Day dining choices. I'm thinking a little escapism is the order of the day. Maybe a movie or a nap. Or both. And then some ice cream.

More video footage

Here's a link to Petranek Fitness' Elizabeth challenge. I'm featured a couple times, even with a speaking part. Thanks to Steve72 for the heads up.

http://www.crossfit.com/mt-archive2/004912.html

More later! I'm having a pretty darn good weekend, so I'm gonna go and have more of it, and then write about it tonight or tomorrow.

There IS crying in grapply, apparently

I know this because I was doing it today. It started out as a great day. My friend Zeb's new CF gym, run by David and Martina Paradiso, is a great space in Marina del Rey. They put us through a fun chipper-style workout--jumping rope, tire flipping, wall ball, ring traverse, box jumps, kettlebell swings, virtual shoveling, L-sit, abmat situps, GHD back extensions, rowing, thrusters, and running with a 35lb sandbag. Afterward, we sat around shooting the breeze and just enjoying each other's company.

But when I peeled off to run some errands and get ready for gi class at one, I started to get down. I keep saying I'm at a crossroads and that since I cleaned out my storage locker in Chicago I'm waiting for some kind of sign about what my next step should be. But it's not coming. And I continue to feel not quite at home here in SoCal. And I'm just coming off kind of a whirlwind month of traveling and intensely emotional experiences--being with my family, seeing old college friends, training with cool chicks.

So I suspect now that I'm back for a few weeks I kind of crashed; I'm exhausted and spacey. And lonely and scared about the future. I'm just sleepy a lot, which is a sign for me of depression, and I tear up at things I wouldn't normally--songs, sad movies, etc. So today, I was drilling with Cristian, which is usually fantastic. But he was just destroying me, because he's good like that, and I started to struggle and get frustrated. He could tell, and he asked me if I was okay. I hate that my energy is so palpable like that, though maybe it's that palpable when it's positive too.

But anyway, we drilled for about a half hour, and every time we stopped to switch position, I had to really work to keep my shit together. I didn't want to leave Cristian in the lurch without a partner, so I finished up, and then when we were done, I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor for a while and cried. And you know it's bad if I sat on the academy bathroom floor. I have a good idea of what's on that floor. And I sat on it. To cry.

I stayed there for about 10 min, through several knocks from people wanting to use the bathroom (too bad; there are two others in the building, so they had choices), and got myself together. I was also feeling nauseated and headachy, which didn't help. But I stayed and helped with the technique part of the class, and then I rolled a little with Johnny and a couple other people. It ended up being okay, but I have cried a couple more times since then, only just not at the academy.

But there IS crying in grapply! I wish I hadn't had to learn that myself, though I already knew that very well. I just hate being reminded.

One of the things I'm not doing very well in these recent blog posts is commenting on the little things and making them funny. Apparently I'm good at that; one of the best compliments I got recently was that the complimenter wanted me to blog about how I brush my teeth because I'd surely make it interesting and funny. That's flattering. I want to get back to that. I'm too tired right now, and the time difference between here and Toronto doesn't help right now.

I'll work on it. I'm always working on it.