Nothing is the new something
Turns out I'm still really unhappy. I had just been staying a step ahead of the unhappiness curve by traveling so much--I guess I didn't have time to feel it because I was operating on little sleep and even less alone time. I still have flashes of happiness, like when I train or CrossFit or spend time with people I like. For example, I had a GREAT evening on Wednesday, when Cristian and I went to train at Rodrigo Teixeira's in West Covina. It was fantastic to take a field trip, as it had been a while; I love training with everyone at New Breed, and when I train elsewhere, I get to compare styles and techniques. And Cristian and I were able to compare notes and start to think about ways to improve our games and add stuff to the class he teaches so the other students can benefit too.
Teixeira is terrific; he made short work of me but somehow managed to make me feel good about my grappling at the same time. He said we are welcome back any time, and he might be sorry he said so, because I'll definitely go back, and I know Cristian wants to too.
So there are some good moments. But when I'm by myself, alone with my thoughts and my identity and my situation, I feel yucky, and I do the things I usually do when I'm abjectly unhappy. I cry at sappy commercials and songs. I sleep an inordinate amount. I eat a lot (and since I'm on the Paleo diet for the month of October, that translates into almond butter by the spoonful.) I observe that my mind is racing and I can't seem to stop it, and I get depressed about the bad in people rather than focusing on the good. I feel put upon and insignificant and like I'm a dime a dozen. I feel like nobody else ever feels this way and already has their shit all figured out, and that at age 39 I'm no better off than I was when I left Chicago, and in fact I'm worse off because now I'm older and have no assets, prospects, or, even furniture. I can't think of what would make me feel better, even if I could get it. And worst of all, I feel very far removed from gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for, and when I feel this way, I don't appreciate any of it.
Plus, I think I have butt arm. (This is when you overuse your arm muscles eccentrically--lengthening them--and they swell and your arm looks like a butt when you bend it.) We did power cleans, knees-to-elbows, and double-unders at the CrossFit class this morning, and they all put lots of stress on my forearms. So now my left arm is swollen. If it's not butt arm, it's still freaky looking. Maybe I have arm mumps.
But anyway, I'm frankly tired of working at feeling better. At looking on the bright side. (It rings false because I don't feel it right now.) At faking it till I make it. (I'm making it nowhere.) At being happy and complete in myself and the things I have right now (100% horseshit). I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I have done a SHITload to bring happiness to myself in recent years, since I started my vision quest. I've pretty much spent the past 3+ years challenging myself to pursue a happier life by facing my fears, articulating what I want for myself, and learning from my mistakes. But I'm experiencing a crisis of faith, if you want to call it that, or just total fed-up-ness that it's still eluding me, and I can't think of anything else to do, or how to do things differently.
So I'm done.
No, I'm not done THAT way. And I'm not going to stop writing/bitching (or making it impossible for Anonymous(es) to pollute my blog with their complete fuckwittedness). But I'm not going to do anything anymore that I don't want to do, other than the things I absolutely have to, like support myself financially, eat, sleep, and breathe. And bathe. Those are imperatives. But I don't really have to do anything else, because I'm a grown-ass woman with relatively few responsibilities. The things I have been working hard to do don't seem to result in anything I want anyway, so I have decided to take the path of least resistance and do much more nothing.
In short, I have decided to get a jump on manifesting all the qualities of the eccentric, crotchety old paycheck-to-paycheck-living bag lady I'm apparently on my way to becoming. I can't imagine going back to my corporate life. But this one needs a kick in the pants too. And nothing I do is helping with that. So from now on, I'm phoning it in. I'm done trying to orchestrate any sort of future. (Yes, I'm going to go to Portland and I'm going to change CrossFit gyms, and I did do those other things I mentioned that I had hoped would set me on a good course. But those are all about what I want in the moment, not about the future.)
I'll let you know how it goes. Unless I don't.