Conundrum
I'm working on my book proposal, which is very exciting. It's weird and rewarding for me to start thinking of myself as a professional writer, though that's obviously the goal; my agent is ostensibly going to shop the proposal around to publishers once I have written it. (And yeah, it's weird and rewarding for me to have an agent.)
The book is supposed to be about how I threw away a life that didn't fit me and worked to build one that does. As my friend Anahi would say, it's kind of a sunshine and babies story, uplifting, inspirational, motivational. So the proposal reflects that: how I went through some dark times but came out the other side feeling far more fulfilled and joyful with the life I eventually constructed. Sounds nice, eh?
The conundrum is that while I felt that way about my life when I finished the first draft back in February or March, I so don't feel that way about it at the moment, while I'm trying to meet a self-imposed deadline for the second draft. I may have hinted that this was happening: I'm going through a rough patch, for a variety of reasons, and I'm feeling sort of fraudulent about trying to be upbeat and use language that would convince readers that they, too, can live happily ever after if they just believe they are worth the effort and trust their guts and clap their hands and believe in fairies! I will probably go back to believing that eventually, but be forewarned that you shouldn't try to convince me of it right now. It could get ugly. Fairy dust everywhere.
I'm phoning in a lot of things that are usually very important to me. I won't say what, because I reserve the right not to incriminate myself, despite the fact that I have done it many many times here over the years. Plus, it would take too much effort to list the things I'm slacking on. Suffice it to say that everything is taking me about twice as long as it normally would, and I'm being about half as effective. I'm sure you can guess at some of the things I'm neglecting without me specifying anyway.
As always, my timing is impeccable. The Mundial (world gi tournament) starts on Thursday and I compete next Sunday. My parents are arriving on Thursday as well, to visit and to watch me compete. So I should be concentrating on training and getting ready to show them a good time. But I can't bring myself to fold my laundry, let alone scout out good restaurants. Sleeping is manageable, though; I seem to be able to do that at the drop of a hat.
I'll snap out of it eventually, and I guess it's good that I can see the humor in my situation even while I'm living through it. And I know that you have to go through some bad times to be able to see how great the good times are; without that comparison, how would you know?
But that doesn't mean I have to handle it with aplomb--or unwrinkled clothes.
posted by Valerie @ 6:20 PM
3 Comments:
Everytime I move to a new apartment, I am amazed by how open and spacious it is. Just a big white box full of possibilities. Usually I unpack slowly, with all my belongings neatly stacked in file boxes plus my luggage. The apartment still feels open and spacious, but the stuff in the boxes nags at me to be unpacked.
As I unpack, I introduce order into my life - things usually got a little messy and chaotic by the time I moved, so I want to start out clean and fresh. Glasses on shelves with glasses, plates with plates, toothpaste on one shelf in the bathroom and floss next to it.
Then my books go onto bookshelves. Some bookshelves survive the journey, but Ikea knockdown furniture being a little flimsy, some don't survive and I get brand-spanking new replacements in just the color of the moment that I like.
Little by little I unpack and organize.
I hit a peak in about 3 months, where everything is dust free, organized, well laid out, and uncluttered.
I am happy. All is right with the world.
About a year later, things are dusty, cluttered, and stacks of clothes wait to be folded and put away, only to be worn before I ever get around to folding them and putting them away.
I'm living the same life I left behind a year ago. I didn't think I brought it along with me at first, because the change of scenery forced me to re-set, start over.
But eventually the "me within" emerges and all my old habits take over.
The happy habits are always welcome.
But I keep thinking I'll leave the unhappy habits behind, and I never do. At least not permanently.
If you are unhappy working in corporate America, eventually you will be unhappy "working" in jiu jitsu. The change of setting lulls us into thinking we have changed our own internal setting, but eventually our internal setting imposes itself on whatever new surroundings we choose for ourself. Whether the Peace Corp, pro bono work, a monastery, a vision quest, jiu jitsu.
Ergo, change has to come from within, it can't be imposed from without.
That's not saying that making an extreme change to our external environment can't serve as the "jolt" we need to help reset our internal setting, but sometimes it isn't enough, particularly if we aren't vigilant about courting internal changes to match the external changes.
In other words, you aren't alone in wondering why you are reverting to your old bad life habits.
Go to the "self-help/inspirational" section of any large bookstore (there are large bricks and mortar bookstores still out there, right?). There are book after book about changing ourselves to make ourselves happy.
Just like there are a lot of diet books.
Many people diet. Few are successful.
Many people try to change themselves. Few are successful.
But NOT everyone fails. We have to grab onto our cubic centimeter of chance and fight like the warriors we are to be successful!
That's all that separates us from the herd.
What I like about jiu jitsu is exemplified by Renzo Gracie's comment on 60 Minutes when he was pressed on his reasons for being a fighter. I recollect he said that for all of us, just waking up in the morning is our [first] battle. He was able to connect, with that single comment, to the struggle all of us feel with our daily lives. Jiu jitsu is just a big workshop / lab where we can ditch some of life's preoccupations and try to figure out a better, healthier approach to dealing with the fundamental problems of life that dog everyone of us, jiu jitsu or not.
I love jiu jitsu for giving me a life affirming hobby. I try to take the lessons it teaches back to my "regular" life. Conversely when jiu jitsu gets too hard or frustrating, I try to remember the ordinary lessons I learned in regular life, and keep plugging away.
Jiu jitsu isn't the "answer" but its definitely a "way" or method of dealing much more than just what goes on, on the mat.
Don't give up. Just lower your expectations. That seems to work for most of us!
Would you be offended if I mentioned that I think of you lately as the female David Sedaris of Jiu-Jitsu? Sort of a "Me Roll Pretty One Day" kind of thing. I mean it as a compliment; so if you hate it just let me know and I'll replace it with another one.
I hope that your editor can embrace all of the styles that are crammed together to make your writing. You switch seamlessly between cynical and hopeful, lofty humor and Beavis-worthiness. In this constant sine wave of mood and styles is your humanity and why I'll always read whatever you've got to say. It resonates and I sincerely appreciate that.
I posted as anonymous above. I think taking the silver at the Mundials qualifies as moving into a new apartment - hell a new house. You just hit the re-set button big time! Use it well!
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