Back on the mat/in the saddle/whatever

Yesterday I went back to CrossFit/Petranek Fitness and got back on the mat for the first time in weeks. My eyes are all better, I'm pretty much healthy again, and it was great to be back. I also managed to keep my promise to myself that I'm going to balance my activity with rest. This means I didn't try to kill myself during the CF workout, and while I drilled a lot and did the warmups at gi and no-gi class in the evening, I didn't roll. I was tired and decided to listen to my body instead of pushing through the tiredness.

Today I'm a little achy and stiff, but it's almost nice to feel that. And I am OBSESSED with a cool sequence Johnny showed us. I am way fired up to be training again!

Yesterday was also fun because Johnny and I did a mini photo-shoot. My college's alumni magazine is going to include me in a how-to feature they're doing about some of the alums. So, for instance, Robert Reich, former Secretary of Labor under President Clinton, will do a how-to on getting a job, or something (I can't really remember). My how-to will be winning a world grappling title. They wanted a little more detail from me, so I sent them pictures and an explanation of Johnny rear naked choking me.

I have the pictures and will post them eventually. As you will see, Johnny was a little TOO happy to be RNCing me. They might be the only pictures I post for a while since I drowned my camera in the San Juan River in Colorado. :P

Turning some kind of corner, and congratulations Kerry and Greg!

I'm turning some kind of corner. I think another thing being sick did for me is erode some of my capacity for criticizing myself, and in recent days I have been really FEELING how cool and beautiful I am. I don't think I've felt that way in months. I don't really know how to explain what I mean or what happened, but I'll try to piece it together.

I remember right after I saw the doctor last week and dragged myself to the drugstore for sick supplies, before I climbed into bed, I looked at myself in the mirror. I took in my feverish, coughing, weepy- and swollen-eyed self, and I apologized to me for being so unkind physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn't even realize I had been being so hard on myself until I saw the mess I had become. I think I was looking for some kind of explanation for what had happened to my body, for why it had given out on me so completely, and when I looked in the mirror this time, I suddenly remembered all the times I had done the same thing in recent weeks while making with the negative self-talk, because I felt unattractive, inadequate, lazy, mired. (Never stupid or unfunny, of course, but lacking in many other ways.) I was working out all the time and sleeping very little.

So I said I was sorry. I meant it. And then I slept for a long time. I won't say that I had an epiphany when I woke up, but when I started to feel better, I still decided I was going to rest, really rest, until my pinkeye was gone. It is better today; in fact, today is the first day in recent memory that I haven't awakened to find my left eye crusted shut. (Yes, I know, YUCK.) But in the time that I really rested, I just kind of existed. Sometimes I thought vaguely about all the ground I must be losing! All the muscle tone and met con that is wasting away! All the things I need to do to get ready for the next tournament! All the non-Zone foods I am eating!

And then, more quickly than I would have imagined, the fears and feelings passed, and I really liked my slower pace. I liked myself, strangely. I realized that all the things I DO are not the sum total of who I AM. The things I do help me to be the kind of person I want to be, but they are not my SELF. I know you read all the time about people realizing that about themselves, but it's different and incredibly profound when it happens to you.

Yesterday I was getting ready to go to my friend Kerry's wedding reception, and I had on a cute outfit. When I looked in the mirror that time, even in my glasses, which I usually think make me look less attractive, even without eyeliner, which I couldn't wear because I was still pinkeyed, even with my stubborn left eye still looking a little bit puffy (Johnny called me Popeye the other day, and it fit), even though I hadn't worked out in a couple weeks and had been eating whatever I wanted, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw someone beautiful looking back at me.

I can't tell you how this felt. Exhilarating. Freeing, And, importantly, effortless and true. I wasn't doing the affirmation thing, repeating that I am beautiful because I DON'T feel that way. I just spontaneously saw beauty in the mirror. For the first time in a long time.

So, I don't know how this all relates to me having been so sick, but in some way I have turned a corner. I see the same person I did before I was sick, but I am so much happier to see her now, so much prouder, and so much more grateful for her. Maybe I realize how much my body does for me, and how easily things can go awry. So I got some big time perspective.

I still don't know if I'm conveying the essence of what's been going on here, but that could be because I don't quite know myself. I just know I'm awesome, and right now, in this moment, I'm embracing that. Hooray for me! I RULE!

In other news, I want to extend my heartfelt congratulations to my friend Kerry and her new husband Greg, who just got married on Friday and had a lovely reception in San Diego last night. Kerry is a wonderful person and I was happy to be there to support her and Greg on their big day. Congratulations to you and best wishes for a long, love-filled life. And congratulations also on choosing to do a cupcake tower! I always knew you had good taste; this is just another example of that. :)

Responses to comments

I know some people believe that sometimes there isn't any deeper meaning when illness or other challenges occur. I just happen to disagree. And I can't speak for anyone else, but in my experience, looking for the lesson has led me to do and experience some amazing things, things I would have missed out on if I had just chalked it up to fate. And since it doesn't hurt anyone else AND it actively enhances my life for me to believe what I believe, I'm gonna keep doing it. So here's my latest thought about that, excerpted from an email I sent to Becca earlier today:

"The other thing I'm figuring out is that it's sometimes easier to follow a routine, even though part of the reason I went "off the grid" is so I could have more control over my time. But making a conscious decision every day about what you want to do to make the most of your time is tiring. Sometimes it's just easier to go to work and do what's expected of you. It's boring, but it's familiar and it takes relatively little effort.

"I remember feeling nostalgic for that sometimes when I went part time at my job in Chicago before taking the big plunge to leave completely. And I think this time around I just imposed a routine where none really needed to be, simply because I wasn't prepared to think about whether it was time to make bigger changes, or was just tired of having to make a conscious decision every day about how I wanted to spend my time. I'm still not quite ready to field the question of whether I need/want bigger changes, but I'm working toward it, and being ill took me right out of my mindless routine and left me with time for those questions to start to creep into my consciousness."

So that's what I'm getting out of my illness. After a period where I was happy just being in a routine, it's time for me to start being more mindful of how I spend my time. And I think my book project is one reason. (And by the way, I sent my proposal to an agent yesterday! She's looking at it right now.) But another big reason is that I need to think about what I want my life to be now that I have the brown belt. That was a huge milestone for me, and I have achieved it. I want to continue to build on it, but in a different way, I guess. Still no real answers, but definitely some ideas.

And Abdullah, that sucks about prescribing antibiotics for viruses. Now I'm out 50 bucks AND am contributing to the development of superdiseases! I'd much rather just be contributing to the development of superdiseases. Do you know what I could do with 50 bucks?

Time for introspection

Okay, so now I'm not busy NOT dying. And I'm not busy training and CrossFitting, at least until Monday; I saw my eye doctor yesterday, and he is the MAN. He said my pinkeye is viral, which means all the expensive antibiotics my general practitioner prescribed for me didn't do anything, because you just have to wait for viruses to get better. What I don't understand is that my GP told me it was viral too, so why did she prescribe antibiotics? But anyway, he told me to take it easy until next week. That was my plan anyway, though it feels like playing hooky.

But since I am feeling much better/rested and am not busy training, I ostensibly have time to think about the bigger picture of all of this, why it happened, what I'm supposed to learn. So I'm working on that. More later.

Aside to reyes: I learned a little bit about you from some mutual acquaintances and am looking forward to rolling with you if our paths ever cross!

Stepping back from the brink of death

Well, things got even worse before they got better. And they still aren't completely better. On Thurs, when I had to travel back to LA, I had a temperature of 102.7, I found out. I made it to my general practitioner, but she said I had a viral infection and then gave me antibiotic drops. So I'm not convinced she knows what she's doing. My flu-like symptoms are improving slowly, but my eyes seem to be staying pretty puffy. So I have an optometrist appointment today.

This has not been a delicate, dainty ailment, where you fan yourself with a lace hanky and blush prettily with fever and say, "I do declare, I am under the weather." This has been an ugly, sweaty, runny, knock-down drag-out sickness. Most of my body systems shut down or went haywire. I couldn't speak without coughing. I sound like Froggy from Our Gang. I feel I don't belong in polite society because I look monstrous and carry the funk with me everywhere I go. While I was in Colorado and various airports, I had a baseball cap jammed over my eyes (and I don't wear baseball caps), and I avoided eye contact. I noticed lots of shoes. It was as if I was hoping that if I didn't look people right in the eye they wouldn't notice my puffy condition. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I really wanted to isolate myself from the rest of the world. I have to thank Jennifer, Pat, and Jennifer's family for being so supportive; my parents for being there with me (electronically) every step of the way; and Cynthia for constant text support. You all kept me from coming unglued, and I am forever grateful.

I know there's more here for me to learn. I don't buy Reyes' or Anonymous' theory that I'm facing my mortality, though. If you live in the moment, as I have striven to do ever since I went off the grid, you basically face your mortality every moment, because you know that every moment could be your last one. That's why you do your best to enjoy every one. Hence my adopted motto from Breaker Morant: "Live each day as if it's your last, and one day you'll be right." (I'll be the first to admit I'm better at that at some times than at others, but that's always the goal.) I do think I have pushed myself too hard in recent months, and that my body finally decided it had had enough. But I don't buy the mortality argument. I still don't know why I've brought myself to this level of illness. But I'm going to make good use of the down time, and by that I mean I'm going to be extremely good to myself while I'm not training and then slowly work the training and other things back in around the self-care.

More on reyes' and anonymous' comments, especially reyes'. Some context for this first: Recently I have noticed how differently people who read this blog interpret things I write compared to what I actually mean. LOTS of people. So I'm commenting on it now because it's just the latest time it has happened. I don't mean to single you out, but there you go. It's just that if you truly believe that this past two years has been about depression and maladies for me, then either you are misunderstanding, or I am a horrible writer. Yes, I have suffered my share of sadness and setbacks. I am human, after all. But I have experienced just as much--if not more--joy and contentment, and I have learned to live in the now better than most people I know. Recent posts about my illness notwithstanding, I thought I expressed a lot of that in many, many posts. But maybe not.

I'm not picking a fight with you. I'm just marveling at how different your perspective on my life is than my own. That means you and I have interpreted most of my 400+ posts wildly differently. I look at that body of writing and see that my life has taken a generally hopeful, positive turn in the past 2 and a half years since I left the grid, interspersed with the requisite sadness and difficulty (as I said, I'm human, and when I try to pretend I'm not, I get into trouble). You two apparently see something far more dismal and depressing. If I saw what you see, I would have stopped reading long ago, for fear I'd slit my wrists. I always wonder whether to write about the sad and difficult stuff, but I always do. It's that stuff that gives me context for appreciating how great the great stuff is. And actually, it's that stuff that readers really seem to resonate with. Not in a schadenfreude kind of way, but more of a "thank God someone else feels that way sometimes too" way.

Anyway, I don't know where that leaves us, but truthfully, if I got out of my blog what you seem to be getting out of it, I'd have bailed a long time ago. So thanks, I guess, for sticking with it.

Still no training for me for the foreseeable future, either CrossFit or BJJ. I may pay the academy a visit tonight or tomorrow just to say hello to my teammates, but I'm really going to make this a true rest.

I'll leave some of you with a favor to consider. Again, this is something I have been noticing over the past several months, so those of you who have commented recently, please don't feel singled out: I know I open myself up for comments by writing this blog; it's the nature of the beast. But please think twice before judging me for my mistakes. Believe me when I say I'm far better at beating myself up than any of you are. And while I try not to be defensive and to learn from everyone, sometimes getting unsolicited "advice" makes me not want to write at all anymore, or to make me ask whether the people who are advising me have their own shit together as well as they are expecting me to have mine.

So I'd just like to ask you to put yourself in my shoes before commenting. If you do comment, I'll do my best to be open-minded, but I'd also like to invite you to be as reflective in your own lives as you are asking me to be in mine. And if you're feeling particularly brave, share with the rest of us. What mistakes have you made recently, and how have you handled them? I know I'm not the only human one out there. And if you immediately say, "No way, I'm not going to share my mistakes and hard times," then please consider how hard it must be for me to share mine. Because it is. But I do it anyway. And by doing it, I'm entrusting you with a delicate part of myself. I think it's worthwhile to do that, but it's difficult enough to do without judgment, let alone under the disapproving stares of relative strangers--you all know far more about me than I do about most of you. Again, that's my choice, but when I'm under the gun, it's a choice I don't feel like making as much. And who knows? Maybe that wouldn't be such a terrible thing, for me to make a different choice. Just something for us all to consider.

Thank you.

That being said, heartfelt thanks to everyone for reading and for the support and well wishes. I'm slowly getting better, thankfully.

Update: If anything, things are worse

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I think the pinkeye is getting worse, although I am taking the drops diligently. It HURTS now, whereas before it was just uncomfortable. I cried in front of Jen, Pat, and Jen's parents today because I feel horrible about feeling horrible and also about potentially exposing them to my sicknesses. It was really irresponsible of me to come here; I should have stayed home. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly. They are being incredibly understanding, but that's because they are awesome. So they are off doing things and I am here resting and bitching.

Another horrible thing is that I'm going to miss the grand opening of Darren's academy in San Francisco. I called him today to tell him I probably won't make it, and he was disappointed. No more disappointed than I am. Please help me congratulate Darren on his big news! Check him out at http://www.ftcombatclub.com, and pay him a visit in San Francisco. I'm so happy for you, Darren! And I can't wait to visit when I'm not a walking epidemic.

Aside to reyes: Please help me understand what any of this has to do with my biological clock.

Just, wow.

I would show you what a hundred-dollar rash guard looks like if I hadn’t dropped my camera into Vallecito Creek today (more on that later). I wouldn’t normally pay a hundred bucks for it, and I didn’t mean to this time. But it’s the tournament rash guard for the No-Gi Mundial this year, which you get with your hundred dollar registration fee. And I ended up not competing. Remember how I said I was getting off kind of easy when my body was angry with me? Many times since then, I have regretted saying that, because my body has pulled out the big guns. The short of it is, I didn’t compete because I was sick and kept getting sicker. Nausea, headaches, dizziness, congestion, that nasty tightness in the chest when you have to cough but the cough isn’t “productive,” as the over-the-counter remedies describe it. Oh, and as the piece de resistance, pink eye.

Last Wednesday is when I had started feeling yucky. I was planning to roll during the evening classes, but I gradually realized that the thought of rolling was making my stomach lurch. And a couple times when I moved too quickly while helping students during the basics class, I had to kind of steady myself. So I sat out, although I knew the tournament was coming up in not very many days. On Thursday and Friday I drilled some, but again, even just the drilling made my stomach flip over. Not a good sign. So I decided to just show up on Saturday and do what I could in my division.

Then, almost as if on cue, I woke up on Saturday feeling like absolute crap. Screaming headache, nausea, cough, congestion, general out-of-it-ness. At that point I was thinking to myself that maybe I’d tough it out through the open division, which was that day, and then if I felt worse on Sunday, I’d sit out my weight division. But then I ran into Rodrigo (Medeiros—Johnny and John’s instructor), and he basically said to screw the open and get another day’s rest so I could really focus on my weight class. So after getting that advice from basically everyone I talked to, including lots of seasoned competitors, black belts, and both, I decided to sit out the open.

Turns out it was a good thing I did, because when I woke up Sunday morning, that’s when I first saw I had the pinkeye. I think my text to Johnny went something like this: “God. Dammit. I have pinkeye. God. Dammit.” Only in the left eye. But I swear my body is smarter than I am, because it knows I would probably put my own health at risk to compete but would stop short of jeopardizing someone else’s. And pinkeye is way contagious, so I couldn’t in good conscience expose an opponent to it, just as I would stay off the mat if I had ringworm, staph, or MRSA. So even though I felt like crap, and that should have been enough to stop me from competing, my body introduced a failsafe. It obviously did not want to compete this weekend.

Of course the first place I go is that the pinkeye must have somehow been an expression of my basic mental weakness. I mean, I do believe you create your own luck, good or bad, and while I might stop short of believing I can give myself pinkeye (because contrary to what Seph kept accusing me of, I don’t play with my poop), I do believe we have more power over our lives than we are frequently willing to assume. So maybe I somehow chickened out of the tournament long before it ever arrived, and my body is just expressing that.

That’s one possible explanation. Another, more charitable one, which is the one I’m trying to come around to, is that I didn’t want to compete for other reasons (burnout, ambivalence, still feeling at a crossroads now that I have the brown) and that those are the things my body is reflecting to me. And related to that is the possibility that this tournament is another mechanism for me to learn to put competing in perspective.

I will write more about this, but right now I’m tired. I ended up deciding to go to Durango to see my friends Jennifer and Pat (the ones who got married in London) and Jen’s family, and stay at their amazing campground (http://www.bluesprucervpark.com/) even though I still have the eye crud and am still feeling pretty sick. I didn’t know when I’d get to see them again, and I reasoned that I am on antibiotics and spending time in nature would be good for me. So far it’s a toss-up; it's so great to see Jen, Pat, and Jen's family, and the weather and surroundings are gorgeous, but I'm worried that I'm going to infect them, and I'm definitely not being the most chipper houseguest. (I'm pretty tired and still not feeling 100%, by a long shot.)

There’s more. I’m feeling very put-upon and a bit frightened about how sick I am. I fell in the water today and destroyed my camera, which also fell in. I look like an insect. I feel like ass. I missed the Mundial and being sick is making me depressed.

It will pass, but right now writing about what may be going on with me gives me a big knot in my stomach. I just have a feeling there is more to this than any of the individual things that are happening, and I am not yet with it enough to figure out what I’m supposed to learn from this. So I’m in a weird, sick, limbo.

My body is really pissed at me!

After taking some rest days over the weekend, I did some working out. And I felt like I had a new lease on life because I actually felt rested. I even laughed at myself while trying to do double-unders and attempts on Tuesday as a workout (400, to be exact); by the end of the workout, I looked and felt like one of the Opus Dei faithful from The DaVinci Code. Because when you miss, you tend to whip yourself in the arms and, in my case, the hiney, with the jumprope. So I'm covered with welts. Not pretty. And indicative of how lousy I am at double-unders.

Then I woke up sick yesterday. Sore throat, congestion, nausea. I think since I let myself rest, my body took its chance. I was planning to do some rolling to prepare for the no-gi Mundial this weekend, but just the thought of moving that way made my stomach lurch.

None of this bodes well for my potential competition performance. I haven't really trained in over a week, my body is kind of angry at me, and if I move the way you need to to do BJJ/submission grappling, I feel like I need to throw up. So I talked to Johnny about it, and we decided I'm just gonna go out and do what I can. It's my first tournament in the brown/black division, so my only real job is to experience competition at that level. If it's significantly harder, then I have that much more work to do. So it's a win-win for me, as long as I can put my ego aside. This is easier said than done.

I actually have somewhat of a game plan, so it will be interesting to see the extent to which I am able to execute. In the meantime, I'm going to shower my body with gifts and sweet talk. And if I REALLY feel crappy over the weekend, I just won't compete. It's very nice to be in a relatively low-pressure situation. The only part that sucks is that I won't be able to watch the brown and black belts because I'll BE one. How weird is that?

In other news, I have started circulating my book proposal to some friends. A couple of the funniest people I know said they laughed out loud in multiple places at my sample chapter, so I'm excited! If they think it's funny, it's funny. And they liked the story arc too. So I have some work to do there, but it will be fun work.

And next week I will spend a few days in Durango visiting Jen and Pat, the main characters in the London wedding Anonymous hated me writing about! Get ready, Anonymous! Get ready to be thoroughly annoyed!

Got over myself

I'm moving on from the Fran. There will be other times to make her my homegirl, as one of the CrossFit t-shirts says. My next torment is double unders (while jumping rope, pass the rope under your feet twice for every jump. I am Spazzy McGee at the double unders, so of course I'm going to work on them all the time now.)

The No-Gi Mundial is this coming weekend. I am not nervous yet, though it will be my first time competing in the brown/black women's division. But since it is my first time, I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I dreamt about it last night, in a good way. I was all fired up to compete. Amazing what a few rest days will do for your focus. I took Friday and Saturday off from everything physical, and it has really given me renewed energy. I know, duh. But I'm terrible about rest, so I have to learn to work it into my schedule.

I worked out yesterday and today, I'll work out tomorrow, and then Wed and Thurs I'll roll lightly to stay loose and tighten up some last minute things. Then I'll take Friday off, and I'm assuming I fight on Sunday, so I'll take Saturday off too. If I fight on Saturday, well so much the better. Then I can relax while watching the UFC.

In other news, I finished a draft of a book proposal about my Vision Quest. I'm having some people I trust review it for me, and then I'll start farming it out to agents and publishers. So if you are a friend of mine, start thinking about who you want to play you in the movie version! (Yes, I'm thinking big and positively.)