I know this will come as a complete shock, but I have been doing a lot of thinking. Yes, I have. About my life and how to make it happier; the fact that it isn't where I want it to be right now is making me cranky. I'm at a crossroads about a lot of things, which may be why the cranky phase is relatively longer. It could also have to do with the fact that I'm clinging to the crankiness. I am, perversely, enjoying being angry. I'm not happy with certain things in my life, and I feel like if I get over being angry about them and they still don't change, I will somehow be condoning the status quo. Like I have done in the past, if I can honestly say I have done my part and still nothing changes, I will feel like my only choice is to chalk it up to experience and be grateful that it's helping to build my character and teach me valuable life lessons even though everything is the same.
Well, that's happy horseshit. I do have a choice, even if my choice is to be disagreeable. So now I tell my friends and family that I come with a warning label: Asshole in progress. I'm sure I will eventually cheer up; I can already feel it happening, much as I try to stay ticked off. But I've always had anger issues, in that I haven't really let myself feel anger, instead turning it on myself and having it manifest as depression. Turns out that it's far more energizing to be angry. And I need energy right now. I won't go Junie Browning, for those of you who are watching The Ultimate Fighter, but I will confront you if you cut in front of me in line at Walgreen's, as one moron found out the hard way. (He was buying beer. I was buying ice cream. I think we all know which is the more important purchase. And anyway, I was there first.)
Being busy with work is a double-edged sword. It keeps me from thinking too much about things, on the one hand, but on the other, it also means I dedicate less time to doing the things I feel I can do to address the parts of my life that are unsatisfying right now.
I'm still managing to train some and CrossFit some, which are always fulfilling. Even after 10 years of jiu jitsu and a year and a half of CrossFit, I am routinely shocked by how happy those two activities make me feel. So in this Age of Acrankius, it will be important for me to continue to indulge those passions. Duly noted.
I haven't sent out an agent query in a couple weeks. That's really disappointing. I want to get on the stick about that and will write a letter today.