Turning some kind of corner, and congratulations Kerry and Greg!
I'm turning some kind of corner. I think another thing being sick did for me is erode some of my capacity for criticizing myself, and in recent days I have been really FEELING how cool and beautiful I am. I don't think I've felt that way in months. I don't really know how to explain what I mean or what happened, but I'll try to piece it together.
I remember right after I saw the doctor last week and dragged myself to the drugstore for sick supplies, before I climbed into bed, I looked at myself in the mirror. I took in my feverish, coughing, weepy- and swollen-eyed self, and I apologized to me for being so unkind physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn't even realize I had been being so hard on myself until I saw the mess I had become. I think I was looking for some kind of explanation for what had happened to my body, for why it had given out on me so completely, and when I looked in the mirror this time, I suddenly remembered all the times I had done the same thing in recent weeks while making with the negative self-talk, because I felt unattractive, inadequate, lazy, mired. (Never stupid or unfunny, of course, but lacking in many other ways.) I was working out all the time and sleeping very little.
So I said I was sorry. I meant it. And then I slept for a long time. I won't say that I had an epiphany when I woke up, but when I started to feel better, I still decided I was going to rest, really rest, until my pinkeye was gone. It is better today; in fact, today is the first day in recent memory that I haven't awakened to find my left eye crusted shut. (Yes, I know, YUCK.) But in the time that I really rested, I just kind of existed. Sometimes I thought vaguely about all the ground I must be losing! All the muscle tone and met con that is wasting away! All the things I need to do to get ready for the next tournament! All the non-Zone foods I am eating!
And then, more quickly than I would have imagined, the fears and feelings passed, and I really liked my slower pace. I liked myself, strangely. I realized that all the things I DO are not the sum total of who I AM. The things I do help me to be the kind of person I want to be, but they are not my SELF. I know you read all the time about people realizing that about themselves, but it's different and incredibly profound when it happens to you.
Yesterday I was getting ready to go to my friend Kerry's wedding reception, and I had on a cute outfit. When I looked in the mirror that time, even in my glasses, which I usually think make me look less attractive, even without eyeliner, which I couldn't wear because I was still pinkeyed, even with my stubborn left eye still looking a little bit puffy (Johnny called me Popeye the other day, and it fit), even though I hadn't worked out in a couple weeks and had been eating whatever I wanted, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw someone beautiful looking back at me.
I can't tell you how this felt. Exhilarating. Freeing, And, importantly, effortless and true. I wasn't doing the affirmation thing, repeating that I am beautiful because I DON'T feel that way. I just spontaneously saw beauty in the mirror. For the first time in a long time.
So, I don't know how this all relates to me having been so sick, but in some way I have turned a corner. I see the same person I did before I was sick, but I am so much happier to see her now, so much prouder, and so much more grateful for her. Maybe I realize how much my body does for me, and how easily things can go awry. So I got some big time perspective.
I still don't know if I'm conveying the essence of what's been going on here, but that could be because I don't quite know myself. I just know I'm awesome, and right now, in this moment, I'm embracing that. Hooray for me! I RULE!
In other news, I want to extend my heartfelt congratulations to my friend Kerry and her new husband Greg, who just got married on Friday and had a lovely reception in San Diego last night. Kerry is a wonderful person and I was happy to be there to support her and Greg on their big day. Congratulations to you and best wishes for a long, love-filled life. And congratulations also on choosing to do a cupcake tower! I always knew you had good taste; this is just another example of that. :)