Go time

Wow. It's a veritable who's who around here. Got my picture taken with Marcelo Garcia, which I will share later. He was wearing a shirt that said, "The pleasure is all mine." Poor guy was just trying to get to his seat and he had to stop and let about 10 gawkers get their picture taken with him.

For the civilians, people in the grappling world describe Marcelo Garcia as the Michael Jordan of BJJ. The guy's skills are absolutely amazing. And what I like best about him is that he's always smiling; he obviously just loves grappling and is ridiculously good at it. And his wife just got her black belt too. Love it when it runs in the family.

Today were the white belt divisions, as well as all the no-gi, from blue to black (no white belts for no gi). Felicia beat Kanoko Ibana in a very technical match, and Marcio Feitosa and Wilson Reis put on a barn burner that Feitosa ended up winning. I ran into all kinds of cool people that I know from the forum and elsewhere, including some of the guys from Gracie Barra Anchorage!

It's kind of late and we gotta get there early tomorrow to see Andrew compete and get Natasha ready to compete in the afternoon, so I'll write more later. But it's really awesome so far!

Soon soon soon!

Natasha gets here in about 12 hours! And the PanAms start in about 9! I'm excited about the weekend.

Trained at NTT today, where there were special guests from the Yamasaki academy in DC: Wil, Luis, and Albemar, all of whom I've gotten to train with before. Trained with Luis today, and it was a blast. Wen worked me pretty well too. I have pics and, just as Felicia suspected, will be posting them later.

Rest of the day was spent shuttling friends back and forth. Grabbed Ryan from Costa Mesa and deposited him at New Breed, where Leo Viera and Andre Galvao were hanging out. Much to my chagrin, I had agreed to pick Andrew and Tommy up at the airport (they came in tonight for the tourney) in the evening, so I got to meet Leo and Andre but not train with them. Fortunately, they'll be around all next week, so I can stalk them then. Ouano kept trying to convince me to blow Andrew and Tommy off and just train. I was tempted. But I didn't.

I took Andrew and Tommy to the Valley to meet up with Felicia and Jimmy. We watched Jimmy do his conditioning routine, A and T got to meet Jean Jacques Machado, and then we ate some dinner with Medora.

Now it's back to the homestead. I'll pack some stuff for when I pick up Natasha and crash with her at her hotel room. Tomorrow are white belts and all of the no gi divisions. Felicia is competing, among other people I want to cheer on. Natasha's on Saturday, and I'm on Sunday. SOOOOO excited!

My inner bitch

Had a conversation with Nora yesterday about all the sadness and anxiety I’ve been feeling. She had some good advice, namely, get pissed off. That’s far more energizing than being sad and depressed, and if the way I’ve been training the past couple days is any indication, I’m already headed in that direction. So I’m getting in touch with my inner bitch. Not that angry = bitchy, but “tapping into my inner angry self” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Plus, for most of my life I’ve been afraid of being called a bitch, to my own detriment. I am definitely a people pleaser, which is why doing things like my trip, telling people I’m upset with them, or otherwise rocking the boat is very hard for me. I’m just now realizing that I don’t like to get angry at other people because I don’t like them to be angry at me. Whoa. Doesn’t sound very deep to realize that, but that’s kind of huge for me to recognize.

But it’s time to be pissed off, both because the anger and frustration I’m feeling are starting to slip out, and because I am in the remedial class when it comes to expressing those particular emotions. So I have some work to do, both at being angry at others and at letting them be angry at me. I know mentally that having someone angry at you doesn’t mean the end of the world, but feeling that is a completely different thing.

Let’s see what I’m angry about:

1. I’m lonely.
2. I’m homesick for a home that doesn’t really exist, and unsure about whether LA is right for me.
3. My tournament performance two weeks ago was pretty crappy and reminds me that, frequently, training BJJ makes me feel like a right idiot.
4. I feel an imbalance—maybe it’s too much training and not enough of the other stuff that used to be important to me. So I have to figure out how to strike a balance between BJJ and the other parts of me.
5. I thought I’d have a lot more answers by now about what’s right for my life.

So let’s see what I can do about that. But first, here are some interesting things.

1. April 3 will mark the one-year anniversary of me quitting my job. I have been gainfully unemployed for almost a year. I say “gainfully unemployed” on purpose; when I stop being sad about what I don’t have, I really can look back and see that I’ve made some strides in life. I’m much closer to living a life based purely on my own choices, and while that’s still scary when I don’t know what I want to choose, it’s far better for me than just slogging away at that job that had started to destroy my soul. I feel like I have worked harder this year—on myself and my life, and for free, no less—than I ever have at any job. I just keep reminding myself that I have to take care of today, and tomorrow will take care of itself. One day at a time. Just like alcoholics. Just like feisty Ann Romano, her daughters Julie and Barbara, and their loveable superintendent Schneider.

I will say that I’m intending to go back to the same work trough for the time being, just not in the same way. I may have mentioned this; my old company offers masters and doctoral level education courses online (among others), and I’m qualified to teach them. So I can take on a course or two every 7.5 weeks and bring in some money. I can log in at whatever time, in whatever place, as long as I spend some time 6 days a week. It’s fairly good money, and it gives me flexibility so I can continue to train during the day as well as at night. I’ve been approved to be an instructor, so I just placed an order for my undergrad and graduate transcripts. I guess I could be teaching within a few weeks, depending on when my transcripts arrive.

2. The PanAms is this Fri-Sun. For those of you who don’t know, the PanAms is one of the two world grappling competitions that’s open to anyone (the other is the Mundial, which is usually held in Rio in August but this year is going to be in Long Beach). I’m signed up to compete in the gi division (no gi had already filled up by the time I registered). And I’m ready. Been training a lot, been getting more aggressive—and more pissed off—and am going to go out there and do my thing. Natasha is arriving on Friday and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ll pick her up at the airport around noon, and then we’ll go to the venue to watch Felicia compete in the women’s no-gi division. Then I’ll move in with her to her hotel room for the weekend and a couple days after—she gets to stay till Wed! I’m so looking forward to seeing her! She’s competing in the blue belt division, and the girl is gonna throw down.

Lots of people are coming to town for the PanAm, so I should be getting to see a bunch of friends and acquaintances: DAB, Heather and her fight panties, Andrew and Tommy, Ryan, Jen, Wil, countless others. I’m excited and freaked all at once. I was hoping Moike, Chuong, and other Chicago types would make it, but it looks like they aren’t going to. Talked to Moike yesterday and he’ll be in Chicago. Bummer.

This past weekend was fun; I was in Richmond again for another US Grappling tournament. This one was for kids, complete with superfights and everything. I reffed again and made a mistake or two, of course, but different ones from the other ones. So I must be progressing. One mistake was that I called a match after the score became 12-0 (mercy rule), but it was in a division where the kids were allowed to do submissions. I shouldn’t have called it because the kid who was down would have had the opportunity to win if he had submitted his opponent. Well, live and learn, and I didn’t make the same mistake twice. I also missed a half guard pass and only gave points for the mount, but it didn’t affect the outcome of the match.

There was a lot of crying at this tournament; the kids are really really tough, but they are also kids. So some of them cried because they lost, others because their matches were called when they were in submission holds but didn’t tap, and still others because they didn’t tap in time and hurt their elbows or whatever. The kids were amazingly well behaved, which is more than I can say for a smattering of the parents, including one who yelled “Neck crank! Neck crank!” at his son despite the fact that absolutely no neck cranks were allowed. Soapbox rant: People need to stop living vicariously through their children and worry about their safety first. End of soapbox rant.

But for the most part it was a fun day. At the end we loaded up the mats as usual and then grabbed something to eat at Max and Erma’s in Mechanicsville, VA. Seph (Lloyd Irvin purple belt) and I had a sketch-off on a bunch of napkins—Snoopy, a Christmas tree, a Buddha, a pineapple, all smoking cigarettes, for some reason. He’s definitely a better artist than I am, but you can still tell what I’m drawing. I’m probably good for Pictionary, which I haven’t played in a while.

The next day was a nice thing: Andrew had arranged an open mat for people to come to if they wanted to help defray the cost of my trip. Initially, I had decided not to come because the ticket was too expensive, but Andrew, Chrissy and Brian decided they wanted me there enough to figure out a way to make it possible for me financially. So that was really gratifying, especially because over 30 people showed up to the open mat. I was almost able to cover the cost of the ticket with the money they donated. Thank you so much to everyone who showed up and helped me out! And did I mention that we trained for about 4 hours straight? I was exhausted afterward and very, very happy.

Unfortunately, I forgot to get a picture of the whole group, but here are a couple of those of us who stayed till the bitter end.

Andrew, Eoin, Rosie, Brian (in back), Chrissy, Seph, Jennie

Me, Rosie, Brian (in back), Chrissy, Seph, Andrew, Jennie. Looks like Andrew looked at Seph's finger ring, or whatever you call it. That's at least one punch.



And here's a random pic for Marcel from a restaurant in my new hometown. Apparently Sunday brunch includes a small college town in downstate Illinois:

Okay, back to the anger stuff. What am I angry about, and what can I do about it?

First, I’m lonely. I want a relationship and I want community. I’m working on the latter but have a ways to go. I think I felt this way when I moved to Chicago too, even though I had friends there as well. It might just take some time. Part of the problem is that the people I know are scattered here, there, and everywhere, so it will take some effort on my part to see them. I guess I’ll just work at it. For instance, Wen called and I think I’m going to hang out tonight with him and some Yamasaki guys who are flying in for the tournament. And if not tonight, definitely tomorrow at Eric’s open mat at noon. So that will be fun. I’m picking up Andrew and Tommy at the airport tomorrow night, depositing them at Jimmy’s, and probably having dinner with them and Felicia afterward. Then I get Natasha at the airport on Friday and we hang out at the tournament, which will be great. So that takes care of the entire week this week and next, because Natasha will be here. And then, true to my mantra, the days after that will take care of themselves.

As to the former, I want a relationship. Well, here’s what I’m gonna try. You may recall that I listed all the things I want in an apartment in an earlier post. Here are the things I listed.

I want an apartment that I can sublease for 3 months (March 1-June 1) that:

1. is furnished

2. costs less than $1000/month

3. has ample parking

4. is in a safe neighborhood

5. is within 20-30 minutes from the academy on the San Fernando Valley side (so, west or northwest of the academy. Long Beach is okay too)

6. is a single occupancy unit (no roommates)

7. has no smokers living in the area

8. has laundry facilities in the unit or on the premises

9. is near some good restaurants and coffee shops

10. has wireless access

The cool thing is that it is after I took care of business (made arrangements to stay in a hotel when this apartment fell through even though the thought of spending that much money made me nervous) that I got what I wanted. The apartment I’m in has everything listed above. Okay, the wireless is spotty and it’s a little northeast of the academy, but I’m willing not to quibble. It’s closer to the Valley than Santa Fe Springs. I have a feeling that since I’ll be spending lots of time in Hollywood training with Shawn Williams, I am not destined to stay here for a super long time (I’ll want to find a place that’s closer to halfway between), but the point is, at the time I wanted/needed this place, I got it after I took care of business. I’m realizing that TCB = doing the thing that scares you if it stands between you and what you want/need.

As far as a relationship goes, lately I have definitely done the things that scare me. I have taken care of business. So now it’s time to make the list of things I want in a relationship. I did this a long time ago and don’t have the list with me, which is a shame. It was pretty comprehensive. But maybe things have changed since then. Here goes. I intend to enter into a relationship with a man (yes, he must be male) who, in no particular order:

1. is intelligent
2. is witty
3. is loving
4. is compassionate
5. is considerate
6. is sensitive and willing to talk about his feelings
7. trains BJJ seriously, both because I want him to be physically active and because it is such a big part of my life that I want to start with that common ground
8. loves my family and friends and vice versa
9. takes a genuine interest in the things and people that are important to me, even if only because they are important to me
10. is physically attractive to me & finds me physically attractive
11. is self aware
12. is financially stable
13. has his shit together emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically to a degree compatible with the togetherness of my shit so that we can challenge each other
14. likes and wants kids
15. is tolerant (though I hate that word) of people of all races, colors, creeds, orientations, genders (makes it sound like there are multiple genders rather than just the two) etc.
16. makes me laugh and vice versa
17. makes life fun
18. makes me feel comfortable, safe and loved, “gets” me
19. is committed to being in a relationship (with me)
20. can get along with all different kinds of people
21. is the same maturity level as me
22. is a non-smoker
23. considers himself blessed to be with me and to be loved by me
24. is committed to being happy and doing what he needs to to stay that way
25. values people based on their character and personality rather than their looks or possessions (had to put that in here; I am in LA after all)
26. understands that his life is the result of his choices and takes responsibility for those choices and their consequences
27. is supportive of me
28. is an appropriate age for me, whatever that happens to be
29. makes my heart sing because I am in love with him
30. loves me unconditionally

Maybe there’s more, but that covers the important basics. So since I have taken care of business, let’s see how long till this guy comes along! I’ll keep you posted. BTW, please excuse me if this is TMI. Again, I’m writing mostly to my primary audience: me. So I hope you didn’t just waste 10 minutes you’ll never get back. Now on with the Countdown of Anger.

Item 2 that’s pissing me off: I’m homesick for a home that doesn’t exist and not sure that LA is right for me. Okay, so here I can be pissed off at myself. I already made a deal with myself that I was going to make an honest go of LA until my birthday. So I hereby must stop complaining about how LA isn’t home until at least then. And there are these things called airplanes that I can use to visit my family and friends. And I plan to do that. So for Jeebus’ sake, I’ll stop worrying about that one.

Item 3 that’s pissing me off: My tournament performance two weeks ago was pretty crappy and reminds me that, frequently, training BJJ makes me feel like a right idiot. Okay, this is another one I can give myself a dope slap for, to borrow a term from the Car Talk guys. I know from past experience that this one is simply a matter of changing my perspective. I have been getting more pissed and more aggressive in training lately, and it’s definitely helping, both my performance and my feelings about jits. So the key is for me to be energized and moving all the time and to remember why I’m doing this. I’m doing it because I love it. That hasn’t changed, even though my attitude sometimes needs adjusting.

Item 4: I feel an imbalance—maybe it’s too much training and not enough of the other stuff that used to be important to me. So I have to figure out how to strike a balance between BJJ and the other parts of me. Okay, good. I think part of that will be helped by my online teaching gig. Despite the fact that I don’t want to go back to that world full time, I do appreciate the life of the mind. BJJ definitely requires brain power, but I also like contemplating my navel and reading interesting theories. Call me dorky (or something worse). So I think the teaching will help with that. Nora also thinks I’ll want to get a dog soon, and if I do that, I will become one of those dog park chicks. And then there’s still Trader Joe’s. So I have some options there about how to strike a balance. It even felt good to go to the movies one night last week rather than training. I’ll focus on the teaching and the movies for now, and the rest will take care of itself. But that will be a good start.

Item 5: I thought I’d have a lot more answers by now about what’s right for my life. Dope slap time again. I know already that I don’t get all the answers at once. I get the information I need to take my next step and not much, if anything, else. I know that. I just need to remind myself of it and be okay with it, which I normally am. And I’m getting back to feeling like that makes things an adventure.

Okay, I think we’re good for now. I’m taking care of business and trusting that the universe will do the rest. Watch this space for further details. Right now it’s time to go to sleep. Big day tomorrow of training and sitting in traffic to and from the airport.

One other thing--thanks to my friends and family

Thanks to everyone I've talked to, texted with, and had email from in the recent past: Maura, Natasha, Jennifer*, Julie, Andy, Laura, my sister, my parents, Adamarie, Debbie. Knowing you're out there makes me happy and grateful.

Oh, and I have been better about being aggressive and pushing the action in training yesterday and today. So that feels good too!

Finding my own California

Individual days continue to take care of themselves. I got some great news yesterday, which is that I can train with both Johnny/John and with Shawn Williams, a Renzo Gracie black belt who runs Hollywood BJJ. Normally in the BJJ world you need to choose a school and stick with it; that's kind of the old school Brazilian way of doing things. But I have gotten spoiled, being the ronin who goes all over the place training wherever she wants to.

And the funny thing is, most of the instructors I spoke to about my trip, even the ones who were a little uncertain about the whole thing, talked about how they basically did the same thing I have done. Whether they were in Rio or in the States, they visited other academies to see how things were done elsewhere. Carlson Jr. tells a funny story about how his dad forbade him to visit the other schools in Rio, which of course made him do it. And I always assumed/imagined that his dad knew exactly what he was doing. So I'm following in a long tradition of checking out how the other half lives. (And Carlson Jr has given me his blessing to train where I feel it's best for me to train. I'm so grateful for that and hope it's possible for me to consider myself a loyal Carlson student in my new situation.)

That being said, I knew I'd need to eventually settle down. But I was hoping I'd be able to pick two schools, Johnny's and Shawn's. I haven't been to every school in the world, obviously, but based on the cross-section I visited, they are two of the best teachers I have ever had, and I think working with both of them will catapult my game forward, as working with Johnny already has. And it turns out that Jason, one of my teammates at New Breed, is training at Shawn's too, so he's good with it.

I visited Hollywood BJJ yesterday to see if I could do the same thing. And they welcomed me with open arms. Johnny's still really supportive of it; he just wants to come with me when he's able. And Shawn was just very cool and said they'd be happy to have me. (Of course they probably have to say that to everyone, but it's still nice to hear.) So I'm working out a schedule for when I'll be in which place, and I'll start at Hollywood BJJ after the Pan Ams. I'm REALLY excited about this. Plus, another Sean at the academy (btw, there are 4 of them, Shawn Williams and then 3 Seans who are brown belts and assistant instructors under him) has a dog named Donut who hangs around a lot. I love donuts, and I love Donut. She's a great dog.

Of course, this means I'll be in the car a lot, as Hollywood is about 40 min from Whittier without any traffic. As I joked to Felicia, it's a good thing my lease is month-to-month. Everyone keeps saying that I'll get tired of spending that much time in the car, and maybe that would prompt me to move someplace in the middle. We'll see. But that aspect of my training is falling into place. And I'll continue to train as much as possible with Newport Top Team and the Sunday crowd.

This must be part of what Natasha called "finding my own California." Everyone I know here has their routine and their experience of California, and for a long time I was just piggybacking onto those instead of carving out my own. Maybe that's part of what was scary/sad for me; I didn't have my own groove yet. And maybe I'm working on that. I also applied for an online teaching job at my old company. This would be far more flexible and pay a lot less, but it would be good money and something I could do relatively easily.

And part of finding my own California also seems to entail leaving it periodically. Tomorrow I leave for Richmond to help the US Grappling people with the kids' tournament they're running. I'll ref and probably do registration, and then we'll play at an open mat on Sunday before I fly back here on Monday. I'm excited about that. And then next week it's the PanAms countdown, and then maybe after that I'll get to spend a little time in Whittier itself. We'll see.

All in all, things are looking up. Who knows what "my" California will end up looking like. I guess we'll all find out eventually.

Oh, and by the way...

...the weather everyone keeps telling me is so great is crummy today. Rainy. Okay, I guess it's not snowing, but I like snow.

I know, I'm protesting too much. But it's still rainy. Humph.

Probably too much information

Whenever I'm down, I always debate whether to post about it. It seems so confessional and Jerry Springer and "welcome into my insanity." But then I remember that my first audience for this blog is me, and I want to remember everything, good and bad, about my journey. And without the bad, you can't gauge how good the good is. I worry that people will think I'm weird or crazy, but then I remember that I am both of those things. So I'm gonna write about the crappy time I'm having lately, and if you don't want to read about it, that's okay. I don't particularly want to read about it right now, but I will someday.

Still having a hard time. Among other things, I did terribly at a competition on Saturday, I continue to wonder whether LA is right for me, and I'm sad and can't seem to snap myself out of it. Sort of teary right now, writing about it, at the Panera in Whittier. Plus, I'm fat. It's not as big a freakout as when I was thinking I needed to escape to Philly, but it's not fun.

Re: the competition, it wasn't even my technique. It was that I was timid, and at the end of the second match, I just gave up. Not to take away anything from my opponents, because they did great, but I feel like I curled up and died. I just wanted to be done, in the bathroom, in a hole, anywhere but on the mat.

At first I thought I was upset because I did poorly, but I think I did poorly because I'm upset; I just reread my most recent posts and it appears that I've been feeling like yuck for a good bit now--funny how I had forgotten that. My poor performance doesn't help how I feel, but I had been phoning it in before then, so whatever. It's not an excuse. My opponents won fair and square and very well might have even if I had been all there. But I just don't know where I am in all of this. And the worst part is that I find it hard to care right now.

I'm basically moved into my place, except for a lamp here and a bookcase there, and it's nice to have my own space. But the doubts about LA continue to plague me. I haven't sent out my usual message saying that I have moved and where to find me. I can't bring myself to change my address with the post office. I feel like I still have one foot out the door. But then again, when I consider where else I'd go, I come up empty. So that sucks too. I don't feel at home where I am, but I can't think of any other place that would make me feel more at home.

I know I felt this way when I moved to Chicago, and my mother said she had a hard transition when she and my dad moved from NJ to FL. But as with so much of what goes on with me, I am not sure whether what I'm feeling is normal adjustment or my intuition trying to tell me something. Well, I am sticking with my promise to myself that I'll be here, and be present here, until the end of June. Actually, I'll extend that to my 37th birthday, which is July 15. So I hereby pledge to be here, in Whittier, CA, until the Ides of July, making an honest go of it.

A big part of the problem is that the thing that usually gives me comfort, jiu jitsu, is biting me in the ass lately. I still feel like that "hardworking, goodnatured" B/C student, and my tournament performance didn't help. And when people try to help me with it by giving me suggestions, I just want to snap at them and/or cry. I can usually keep from doing either in the moment, though the crying starts when I get in the car or get back to my place. So the whole reason for taking this trip was to pursue the thing that gives me the most joy. And lately it gives me no joy at all.

I talked to Dave the other day and he said I might be burned out. This is true. Too much of anything is probably not good, and I have been around it a lot, living at the academy. So I took a couple days off, yesterday and Sunday. Just didn't want to train. Started my taxes. Saw a movie (23. Good premise, poor execution). Slept a lot. Cried some.

Trained today at NTT. It went okay, and the guys at Eric's place (Wen, Trev, Cully, Steve, Eric) helped me with my aggressiveness, but I have a long way to go. And I don't even know if I want to get there. I have never LOVED competing the way some people do. I have done it recently because it helps me get better, and because whenever I am tempted not to do something because I'm afraid, I make myself do it. But if it is just another thing I can use to feel bad about myself, which it can be sometimes, then maybe it's not such a good idea.

But then again, it might not affect me as much when my world isn't quite as topsy-turvy. I talked to my friend Julie yesterday, who has known me for almost 20 years, so she knows my habits and patterns. She said that it's clear I shouldn't be making any big decisions right now, that I need to wait till my mood stabilizes before I do anything major. And to give myself a break for feeling adrift, seeing as how I've basically been just that for the better part of a year. Just because I have a place now doesn't mean I don't have some re-entry to work on, I suppose.

Another thing I'm using against myself is that I have been watching The Secret. Have you seen this movie? The secret in question is basically the law of attraction: like attracts like. The premise of the movie is that individuals are 100% responsible for their lot in life, because the universe gives you what you focus on. So if you're focusing on health and wealth, and how good you feel when you have those things, you get more of those things. If you focus on the lack of health and wealth and how terrible you feel when you DON'T have those things, you get more of that terrible feeling.

So now I have something else to beat myself up with: not only am I feeling bad, but I'm bringing the bad feelings on myself. Great. I haven't watched the whole movie, so I don't know if they tell you how to deal with that part of it, how to snap yourself out of the bad feelings you have, but in the meantime, I have some good ammo to use against myself.

On the other hand, the talking heads in The Secret said that you can get to the place where the experience you create for yourself is consistently a good one by showing gratitude. And I'm remembering that before I left on my trip, when I was still mired in the job and the life I had outgrown but didn't yet have anything nicer to take its place, I used to write in my journal every evening the things I was grateful for that day. They were sometimes really small things, but I always managed to find at least three. And it was a good exercise. So I'll end here with things I'm grateful for today. I'm grateful for more than these, but these are ones that stick out.

1. My mother called to say that her doctor gave her a clean bill of health. She is completely cancer free.

2. At the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf down the street from my place, the girl behind the counter gave me a free package of shortbread with my tea. I'm also just grateful that there's a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf down the street from my place.

3. I forgot that I can't park on this one side street in my new neighborhood on Tuesdays, but when I came out to my car, I didn't have a ticket.

4. I get to go to Richmond, VA, on Fri to help with Andrew and the Linzys' kids tournament. I always have a blast at their tournaments, so this should be no exception. And then there's an open mat on Sunday. So I'm looking forward to that.

5. Quite a few people are being very supportive of me, calling and texting to see how I am. The answer is: I am here, and bound to be better eventually.

Addendum

I wrote the previous post this morning. I'm in a much better mood tonight after having a great training session. I'm sitting at the academy stealing some wireless before I head home. (Home.) And once there, I might cook, I might not. I might start to work on my taxes, I might not. I might take a shower, I might not. It will be sweet.

Tomorrow is more of the same: no gi training in the morning and evening, and in between working on my application to teach online.

Just wanted to include the update because my family reads this blog too and I don't want them worrying about me. I am mood swinging like a method actor lately, but fortunately, the moods always eventually swing back up.

So far, so good

First, heartfelt congratulations to Eric and his family, who welcomed a new baby boy into the world yesterday! I think it was yesterday. He tipped the scales at 8 lbs 15 oz, so he’s gonna be big like his daddy. So beware the Ides of March, because there’s a new Goo in the picture!

Yesterday was pretty eventful, as I signed the lease on the apartment and bought a bunch of stuff to furnish it. If you haven't ever been to Big Lots, I suggest you go there RIGHT NOW. I got most of the things I need (dishes, cookware, hangers, soap, cooking utensils and silverware, towels, lamp, cleaning supplies, even some cereal) for about $130. Granted, I still do need a TV stand and some kind of desk arrangement and maybe a comfy chair, but I'm pretty okay for the time being. Then I filled in with a few things from the dollar store: plastic bags and foil, a little salt and pepper shaker set, a little jar for teabags. And it’s funny how skewed your perspective becomes when you shop at those places; I got a little irritated that I saw paper towels at the dollar store for 99 cents when I had paid a buck fifty at Big Lots. Highway robbery, I say.

Then I spent about 3 hours last night after class just unpacking and washing my new dishes (no dishwasher) and starting to put away clothes and stuff. I don’t have a TV yet, which is good and bad. Good because I have a tendency to get lost in watching whatever’s on, even if it’s crap, but bad because after the noise and activity of the academy, it’s kind of quiet/lonely here and I could have used the background noise. I suppose I can listen to music on my computer, but I never think to. I woke up this morning a little sad and lonely, and it’s actually good that the wireless I have been pirating is sporadic, because that will force me to leave the place.

It’s dangerous for me to have too much time to think, because then I do. And then I start to notice how far California is from Florida, where my parents are, and the Midwest, where my sister and a lot of my friends are. Even the Big Lots lady was asking me about how I liked it here (she had to look at my license, which is from Florida, when I gave her my credit card), and I sort of babbled an answer because I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been here for months, but I’ve been a floater. Now I’m a resident. A resident in a temporary housing situation, but a resident nonetheless. And it’s different and makes me think.

And then I start to question doing the jiu jitsu thing and whether I really belong here, am getting any better, am happy, and blah blah blah. And then I cry. It probably doesn’t help that I get depressed before competitions anyway and feel like I don’t want to do them, and there’s one coming up on Saturday and then the PanAms in two weeks. Plus, I’m back up to 144, or I was yesterday when I weighed myself in the middle of the day. So 138 is looking less and less likely, and Sean and Johnny will forever call me Fatass. But I still have two weeks. And even if I can’t make 141 and under with a gi on, I will definitely make 152 and under, which is the next weight class.

See what I do there? It’d be far better for everyone involved if I never thought again. Don’t think, Val. Just do. Base what you do on what you feel, not what you think. Strange that I’m not better at that by now, seeing as how that’s how I’ve been living since I took off from Chicago in July. Not the quickest study, I guess. Or maybe it’s a lifetime proposition. I just still have difficulty teasing out what I truly want for my life from what I think I should be wanting. And the even harder part is doing what I want even if other people think it’s dumb or irresponsible. I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think, and I know from putting them through it that the people who love me will support me no matter what, but somehow it’s still difficult for me to go against my particular grain. Not only because I’m having to justify my decisions to myself, but also because I’m pretty sure I want some of that stuff that I have come to believe I “should” be wanting. But I want it because I want it, not because I “should” want it.

The above paragraph encapsulates why I should never think.

But on the bright side, I woke up, went to the bathroom in my bare feet (something you NEVER do at the academy, although now that Lynda’s cleaning it, it’s a far less dangerous proposition), lazed around on the Murphy bed without having to worry about somebody coming in for class, and had a bowl of cereal. I could even have made a cup of tea. But I’ll save some luxury for tomorrow. In other words, there are obviously some nice things about having my own space. I just have to get used to being by myself again. And the loneliness will pass the more I find my own California, as Natasha said. I would probably feel confused and lonely like this no matter where I decided to land. I have to commit to making LA mine, and that will make it easier to be here.

Yesterday morning, I checked out of the hotel and then had kind of an adventure getting the cash I needed for the lease signing. They only take cashier’s checks or money orders, and since I don’t have a branch of my bank nearby, I found out I could get a money order at the grocery store. The problem is, I called ahead to make sure I’d have access to enough cash, but was misinformed. So I was at the ATM in the middle of the produce section on the phone with the lady from my bank while she temporarily raised my withdrawal limit so I could get $1800. Have you ever seen $1800 in twenties? It’s a thick wad. And then I stared accusingly at all the blue-haired ladies who were shopping at this store in the middle of the day, as if they were going to take my money.

Last night I helped Jason teach the beginner class. And it was fun. He showed the technique using me as the practice dummy, and then he and I went around helping people with details and answering questions. There must have been about 50 people on the mat, which is terrific. If even a fraction of those students stick around, New Breed will have a great group of stalwarts in just a few years. And helping to teach was one of those times where I lost track of time—I had kind of a flow experience. So that’s useful information. I guess I like teaching. My dad will be happy! He’s a teacher himself, a good one. So that probably means I’m on the right track with the online teaching I’m planning to do in my old field to start bringing an income to me. Online teaching will be flexible (I can log in whenever I want to) and still help me make decent money so I can support this lifestyle of training in the middle of the day, taking off for weekends to referee or compete at tournaments, etc. I haven’t given up on Trader Joe’s, but it’s more in the background now, I guess.

After class yesterday, Jason and I talked about why I called my blog the BJJ Vision Quest. We looked up “vision quest” in Wikipedia. It explained what it is in some Native American traditions: a rite of passage for kids who are on the verge of becoming adults. They go into the woods for a couple days without food or shelter and they have visions. It didn’t really explain why they do it, though. I mean, it noted that it’s a rite of passage, but from what to what was not clear. I’m guessing it’s passage from childhood into adulthood, with all the responsibilities and rights that implies. I look at my vision quest as a rite of passage from a life that didn’t fit me anymore to a different one that’s more consistent with the values I’m working on honoring: doing what makes me happy even if it’s hard to get there sometimes, living in the present, feeling and expressing gratitude for the important people and things in my life, making choices based in love and joy rather than fear. Silly me, I must have had some idea in my head that the rite of passage would end with the end of the trip. But I don’t think that ever happens, while you’re on the earth. So even though I’m in one place physically, the journey continues.

Training and putting down roots

Went to Newport Top Team today. NTT is what Eric jokingly calls his garage, which is matted. He, Wen, and his students Cully, Keola, Trev, Chris, and Joe put me through my paces to help me get ready for the PanAms, a big gi and no-gi competition coming up in a couple weeks. It's the one I'm supposedly losing weight for. Emphasis on "supposedly." So training with them was great but reminds me of how much work I have to do. SOOOOOO much.

In other news, here are the pics of my new apartment. We've already had the discussion at the academy about where/when to have the housewarming. Because you might not be able to tell from the pics, but there's no way I'd be able to host a party there; it's just too small. So the plan is basically for me to take Polaroids of the place, or maybe I can just print out these pics, and post them on a bulletin board somewhere. Then the actual party will be either at the academy or at Mike and Lynda's place (Mike is a blue belt and the LA cop who took me on a ridealong last year, and Lynda is his awesome wife). So people can see the place and then we can have a party where we can actually be comfortable. I'll do all the cooking and stuff.

View of the building from across the street (the side of the street that the 24-hour Winchell's Donuts is on).

Decent-sized kitchen, especially for one person. I had thought it only came with a stove rather than a stove and an oven, but it does come with both. Some places don't even come with refrigerators. So I'm stoked.

Said refrigerator:


Roomy closet to the left of the refrigerator:


Dressers opposite the closet:

View of the main living area from the window (the kitchen is to the right of where I'm standing to take the picture):

Kitchen with cute little upholstered stools:

View from the wall that the front door is on:

What's in here?

A pretty big bed, that's what! That's at least a full, eh? I was expecting a single. And the best part is that the bed takes up most of the space, so I really don't have to get much furniture.

The office. Bathtub is opposite the toilet (so if you're sitting and "working" you are looking at the tub):

The inside view of the little balcony on the front of the building:

View from the balcony to the right:

and the left (that's the Winchell's Donuts. Did I mention it's open all night?):

So there you have it. Tomorrow is the day I sign the lease. Just gotta bring a big fat money order to the rental place and then I'm pretty sure I can move in tomorrow. So the big things I need are hangers, a lamp, a table for TV/DVD player, dishes and flatware and other kitchen stuff, maybe a towel or two, a garbage can, and some TP. Actually, put TP at the top of the list. I figure after I sign the lease, I will go to Big Lots and the dollar store.

Very exciting!

Oh, and I just found out I'm gonna get to go to Richmond to help out with Andrew, Chrissy, and Brian's next tournament, which is one for kids. So I'll get to ref and help with registration. Just bought my tickets. That's on March 24, which is also my dad's birthday! So it's an auspicious day.

A few things:

A dear friend's father passed away last week. I just want to send her my best wishes and support.

Another dear friend's friend passed away a couple weeks ago. I got to see her and comfort her in person, but I'm still thinking of her and wishing her well.

And finally, a third friend is having a health issue right now. I am thinking of him too and wishing him a speedy recovery.

Okay, tomorrow is signing the lease, shopping for accoutrements for the place, dancing around in my underwear in my new place, and then maybe going to class, unless I'm not done dancing around in my underwear in MY NEW PLACE. As Lynda said, I'm putting down roots. Well, rootlets. Microroots. Okay, I'm willing to stay here for the time being. How's that?

Lots of pics

Had some good training yesterday with the usual suspects and a few others, including Ralph. Trained with Jimmy, saw an arm bar from when Shane put on a calf cruncher (didn't finish because he was strong, but at least I saw it), and did kettlebells. Today my legs are killing me. Class tonight was good; Jason taught the beginner class and Kiko taught the advanced. I got a few useful details for the half guard, though then I sparred with Sean (who calls himself a fat man in a little gi) and Jason, who are both pretty huge. So I got smashed anyway. I tried Darren's suggestion of just continuing to move no matter what, but when I was underneath Jason, it just tired me out.

Back to the drawing board.

Here are some pics from the tournament.

Kevin, Vince, Brian, and John lounging on the couch, with Andy hanging out in the background. You can see that John has a medal! He and Kevin had already fought and done well.

Vince, John, Kevin, and Kevin's medal watching the action.

Part of the academy where the tournament was held. I took this pic because the stairs look like the Brady Bunch stairs to me.

Brian getting ready to compete:

Ralph suited up:

Dent in the wall caused by two zealous competitors. Ouch.

The back of Kiko's shirt. (I mentioned Kiko, right? He is a black belt under Rodrigo Medeiros, who is also Johnny and John's teacher and one of the people in charge of the tournament. Rodrigo is also a black belt under Carlson, so we're all in the same family.) I took a picture of the back of Kiko's shirt because I saw my name on it. It wigged me out a little to see my name on somebody else's clothing. But I guess I participated in a tournament last fall as part of New Breed, which is part of BJJ Revolution, which is Rodrigo's association. Still with me? Anyway, here's the shirt and a close up of my name (and Vince's too!).

Ralph, sporting his medals, and me. Ralph is tall.

Vince, holding his rib (which is unfortunately injured), Monica, Andy in the background, Jason in the front, Joe, and Brian. Congrats to all of them for a great tournament!

Brian and Jason wearing their medals and not much else.

Jason channeling his inner bodybuilder (used to be one) and Andy weighing in.

Went to see the apartment today. LOVED it. I'm going to take it, and I get to move in on Wed. Adamarie and Natasha suggested I stop by the dollar store to pick up some cheap dishes and flatware. Gonna do just that. I have some pics of it that I'll post soon. Right now I'm sleepy.

Oh, but before I go, here's a picture of me and Darren "The Bone Crusher" Uyenoyama. He's so cool! But as usual, nobody knows what's going on with my hair.

I'm even Steven

So there's a Seinfeld episode where Elaine's typical good luck goes in the crapper and George's typical bad luck takes a turn for the better. And Jerry's stays the same; if something bad happens, something good happens shortly thereafter to even things out. So he is even Steven.

I guess I must be even Steven today, because I didn't get a superfight, but I DID get the apartment in Whittier that I was sure I would get, and then didn't get. Apparently one person who looked at the place thought it was too small. I highly doubt I will think it is too small. So I will look at it on Monday morning and then could conceivably move in on Monday night. But I kept the hotel room in Pico till Wednesday so I can get a sense of what kind of stuff I'll need for it: bedding, some kitchen stuff, a shower curtain. And then I get to go to Target! Hot damn, I'm more than even Steven if I get to go to Target! So tonight is my last night in the academy. It's also daylight savings night. My mother will be so happy; she loves it when the days get longer. Cool, Mom!

So I'm happy about the apartment. And it slightly counterbalances the fact that I'm disappointed 1) that I didn't get a superfight today, and 2) at my reaction to not having a superfight: more relief than anything else. There were no women to fight; Gisele, the woman I would have fought (and have fought before), is injured, and there wasn't anybody else. Nobody for Monica either, a New Breed blue belt. So we were bummed out. It's a drag because I want to want to compete, if that makes any sense, and the only real way for me to get there is to compete. But there isn't always anybody for me to compete against. So then I get nervous about competing and am secretly or not so secretly glad that I don't have to. And it makes it difficult to get over the nervousness.

But the competition itself was fun. I took some pictures that I'll share later, my usual MO, at which point I'll remember who won what and with what techniques. I also watched a lot of the matches from the ref point of view and picked up some other details--and disagreed with some of the calls. It just goes to show you that reffing is so subjective. So I have to own my freaking mat!

Meantime, I also had a great conversation with Darren about jiu jitsu and being relatively small and getting better. Darren's pretty small too, so he has the same problem I do. And I liked his perspective on it, because it puts the responsibility squarely on me and gives me some recourse. Basically, he said not to think about the strength thing. Just think about how to anticipate it as a means to counteract it. In other words, if 200-lb Jason gets me in side control and smashes me, don't think about how I'm not going to be able to get out of side control because he's so strong and heavy. Instead, think ahead about how to prevent him from getting that position in the first place. So if I feel him going for side control, keep moving to make it diffiult for him to establish it. Hip escape to recompose the guard, ball up to keep him from being able to flatten me, or bail out the other side.

Of course it's not as easy as that, but that perspective on things really caused me to think about my game. I definitely move in bursts that are punctuated by periods where I'm just lying there considering my next move. So the next time I spar, I'm going to concentrate on keeping on the move for the entire time. That way, facing a situation where I'm pitted against someone's strength gives me the feedback that I have to improve on what I'm doing so I don't end up there in the first place. Something useful to think about.

So I'll write more about the tournament when I post the pics. In other news, yesterday Darren taught the no gi classes in the morning and evening. In between, instead of going to look at Santa Gertrudes, I went with Darren and Ralph (a purple from the New Breed in the Philippines who is here for the month to compete at the PanAms) to see 300, the new movie about Sparta. I love movies, and I love movie food. So I had a hot dog and a giant pretzel and some diet Coke. I don't think it did unfixable damage to my weight cutting, fortunately, and it tasted sooooo good. As Darren and I were saying, "mmmm.....lips and snouts."

The movie itself was an enjoyable spectacle too. And now I'm sleepy again, so good night to the academy for what is likely to be the last time!

Back to the drawing board

Been a trying day. Good thing I know there's no crying in jiu jitsu; otherwise I might have let myself. I found out yesterday that the apartment in Whittier that I "knew" I was going to get has been rented. Turns out I was on the list to be contacted when the apartment was ready to be shown, but it didn't get to the point of showing it because people filled out applications for the place sight unseen. Didn't even occur to me to do that. So I'm disappointed. And homeless. Still.

I have been approved for a one-bedroom in Whittier which is being rented by some very nice people and is very reasonably priced. But it seems huge to me. As my friend Natasha said, I'm probably the only person in LA who wants LESS space. I just don't have 1) any furniture here, 2) the energy to get some. So I think I might take a pass on that place in favor of a suggestion my friend Adamarie made: to rent one of those furnished extended stay efficiencies for a bit. I just really need a place to be able to spread my stuff out and get a plan. Among other things, it turns out that people really like you to have a job if you want to rent a place, even if you have money in the bank. (Go figure.) And I can get a job teaching online in my old field, but I have to make the time to apply. I also have to do my taxes and fill out a form my parents sent me from an attorney who is going after the dude who sideswiped my car on New Year's Eve in Arcadia, FL. I have to make some flight arrangements for tournaments, visits to family and friends, etc. I have to update my fight resume so I can apply to participate in some tournaments in April. And I am not going to be able to get that stuff done while I'm living here.

Here's why: As I explained to Sean and Vince today, staying in the academy is great, but a major time suck. Reminds me of working on the college newspaper; I'd go into the offices intending to stay 10 minutes to drop off a story and then 4 hours later I'd emerge wondering where the hell the afternoon had gone. Same thing with this place. There's always somebody to talk to or something to do, and things just expand to take up the amount of time you've got, which is usually the entire day until the evening class starts.

Here was my day today, for instance: Woke up, shot the breeze with Ouano, checked email, went for lunch with Felicia and Cindy, spent some time in traffic on the way back to the academy, stopped at Trader Joe's for some groceries, walked two miles to burn off some calories and get some tea, trained, showered, shot the breeze with everyone here, and now here I am. Of course, I could be more planful with my time, but I think it will be easier to be disciplined if I'm in my own space. Though again, I have to say how grateful I am to have been able to stay here as long as I have.

I'm intending to look on the bright side of the housing situation. Ever since I didn't get the studio, I've been having second thoughts about living in Whittier. I like the idea of the college town, but the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking I might want to live closer to LA itself for several reasons that I'll elaborate on eventually. So maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Right now it feels like a pain in the ass disguised as a major nuisance, but it will all shake out. I just have to keep reminding myself that things don't happen according to MY timetable, and to be patient and be present now (not live in the future).

So I have a hotel room reserved in Pico Rivera (next town over from Santa Fe Springs) for most of March, starting on Monday. I could start tomorrow, but I want to check out some other possibilities, including Santa Gertrudes, a street in Whittier that Vince keeps telling me would probably have what I'm looking for (temporary furnished apartments). I just haven't made the time to go over there, but I will tomorrow after the morning class.

It'd be easier to be optimistic if I weren't in one of my I Suck at Jiu Jitsu phases. I'm realizing that because of jiu jitsu, now I know what it was like to be one of the "hardworking" kids in school. I've always been smart. That's not bragging, it's just true. And I've also been fortunate enough to get an excellent education. So I did well in school, especially when I worked hard. There were always kids, though, who worked their asses off and still only got Bs. They just weren't as good at school as I was, and they had to work really hard for the Bs they got.

So that's how jiu jitsu is for me. I work really hard and still only get Bs. And sometimes Cs. I know I should only compare my current performance to my past performance, but sometimes it's difficult to do that, especially because I'm surrounded by young dudes who have been training half the amount of time I have but are likely to get their brown belts before I do. I also know it's not about the belt, but I do want to get good enough to at least DESERVE a brown belt and eventually a black belt someday, and sometimes that feels like an impossibility.

I feel this way because I feel I can't "hang" with guys at my belt level, or even sometimes a level or two below me. I tap them infrequently and often find myself on the defensive rather than mounting an attack. Yes, for the most part, they are larger and stronger than I am, but I have no sense of how much that does/should matter in the grand scheme of things, if it's supposed to be about technique. So I basically have no sense of how good I am at jiu jitsu, and I don't feel like I'm where I should be, whatever that means. Jimmy said I need to get my head right, which is true. Maybe some of that will happen with some distance from the academy.

Anyway, call off the wah-mbulance. Enough of the wah-mburger with French cries. (Andrew told me that one.) Time to get over myself. Here are some good things:

1. Darren "The Bone Crusher" Uyenoyama is in town. He is a brown belt under Ralph Gracie whom I got to hang out with last fall when he came to stay at New Breed to get ready for the ADCC trials, which he participated in. I'm kinda like him in that the New Breed guys have adopted him and he is a friend of the academy now. So he's here while Johnny's in Portland, teaching Johnny's classes and basically being a smartass. He and I get along just fine.

2. I'm down to 142. So that means I have about 3 or 4 pounds to go. I figure I'll buy myself a Vulkan gi, which I keep hearing are the lightest weight ones, about 3 pounds, and then I'll be good to go for the PanAms at 141 and below with the gi on. And remind me never to complain about losing weight around Kelly. He's a freestyle wrestler who's working with Sheldon and Charlie to get ready for a huge competition in Vegas next month. He has already dropped 20 pounds and has 7 to go. I don't know where he's gonna get it from; he's already incredibly slender and you can see it in his face. But I wish him luck. Those guys are so fun to watch--they're so explosive and fast. Charlie taught the takedown class on Tues and I thought my legs were gonna fall off from all the shooting for single and double legs.

3. I may have two superfights coming up, the one at the Carlson tournament this Saturday and one at the Nevertap tournament next Saturday. For the uninitiated, a superfight is basically just a single match that has been set up in advance (rather than being determined by who wins which brackets) and that's showcased as a highlight of a tournament. At larger tournaments, the superfights are between black belts, but at smaller tournaments, they'll do browns and purples. Sometimes there is a purse. I doubt there will be one for my superfights. With the way I'm feeling right now, the fact that I have superfights may not be a good thing per se, but I always get a little depressed before a tournament, so I'll chalk it up to that.

4. Johnny and Sean have started calling me Gigantor. I am taller than they are. I am taller than Vince. I am taller than Darren. I am about the same height as Ouano, though he says he's 5'9". Yes, there are bigger guys, but those are the ones I spend the most time with. This is a good thing because when they call me Fatass, I call them my shorties. (I THINK that's slang for girlfriends or boyfriends, but don't quote me. I'm very old and very unhip.)

Okay, so the short of it is; I'm homeless but looking. I'm frustrated with jiu jitsu but willing to be one of those "hardworking" B/C students. I'm hugely tall but weaker than most of my opponents. I'm a fatass but losing weight. So I'm a study in contradictions.

I'm complex.

I'm sleepy.

More of the same

HA! In your face, Jason! Today I weighed 143 and a half. Okay, it's not under 140, which is where I need to be (maybe 137 or 138), but it's better than 146. I need to be a couple pounds under 141, which is the cutoff weight for the division, because you weigh in with the gi on right before you step on the mat to compete, and the gi weighs at least a couple pounds. So I have a ways to go. But I'm just eating less and working out more, and that's the formula. To my parents: No worries. I'm not starving myself. Not by a long shot. And if I don't lose the weight, I don't lose the weight. So stop worrying. :)

I found these really good, dense whole grain bagels at Trader Joe's; in addition to probably enough fiber to regulate the evacuation habits of the entire academy, they also have a bunch of protein. So I've been eating a lot of those, Odwalla bars, lots of fruit, and lots of tea. Also drinking lots of water, and walking to the Starbucks (2 mile round trip) instead of driving there, to burn off extra calories here and there. It helps to not be eating every meal out at Norm's or IHOP, where you can easily take in a thousand calories in a sitting, I'm betting. Pancakes or one of those big sandwiches. It's a delicious thousand calories, but it's a thousand calories.

Today I did not hear from the rental place. So tomorrow it might be time to call them and say something like, "Oh, I'm just calling to make sure I gave you the right number" or some such thing. Or I can just be direct about it and say that I really want the place and want to see it when it's ready. The direct approach is good too. We'll see.

I trained with Eric today at his Newport Top Team. His poor wife is about ready to pop with their second child, so I wasn't sure they were gonna train today. But baby-to-be is on his own timetable. Speaking of babies, I meant to welcome Jay into the world! Jay is my friends Jen and Todd's newborn, who came a couple days ago. Jen is 5'9" and Todd is 6'5". So Jay is going to be enormous.

So since there was no baby, we got to train. It was great fun, as usual. It's Eric, Wen, and a handful of guys including some from Kauai, where Eric's from. So they have the island connection. Eric had great suggestions about how to keep my opponent from sitting up when I'm putting on the omo plata, and we did some gi and some no gi sparring. Later in the day I did some laundry, chatted with Chrissy, Jen Williams, Rachel, and Adamarie, and then this evening was gi class and wrestling class.

I was tired in gi class so I sat out for most of the sparring. But then I got a second wind and joined in the wrestling class, because it was mostly all takedowns. Charlie Valencia, an amazing wrestler and an MMA fighter, taught the class. I know I wrote about his King of the Cage match back in the fall, and I was happy to be able to take a class with him and Sheldon (whom I've also written about) despite the fact that my quads and hamstrings were screaming before the class was halfway over.

Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it. I wished for more opportunities to work on takedowns, and boy did I get them. Single and double leg takedown drills up and down the mat. Shoot for single legs through the legs of your partner, then turn around and leapfrog over his back. Square off with your partner and clinch--grab the neck, grab the wrist and triceps to try to take the back, defend the above, then take them down and follow them to the ground.

I got to work with Sheldon a little bit, and he gave me some really helpful details to for the single and double legs.

This weekend there's gonna be a tournament in honor of Grandmaster Carlson Gracie, who you may recall was my instructor. Rodrigo Medeiros, a black belt under Carlson as well as Johnny and John's teacher, is running the tournament. It's a white and blue belt thing, but there are going to be purple and brown belt superfights, including one for me, apparently. I get a superfight. Whoa.

So, I'm trying not to feel lots of pressure because it's a SUPERFIGHT, or because it's a tournament in honor of my teacher. I'm just gonna go in there and enjoy myself, because fortunately, competing has become fun for me. I'll keep you posted.

Another fascinating post

Yesterday was a good day. I trained with the usual suspects and then hightailed it down to Garden Grove to watch the second day of the Copa Pacifica. A couple New Breed guys competed, and I got to see Wen, Brad, Jimmy (who didn't train yesterday), and Felicia. Stayed till the bitter end of the tournament (what is it about them that's so dang fun??), had some dinner with Sean, Johnny, and Jason, and then farted around with Johnny and Henry, who were doing a private with me as the training dummy. The private started around midnight and lasted till about 2:30. Holy crap. I'm getting too old for this kind of schedule.

Woke up in time to call about the studio in Whittier. Turns out it's not quite ready for viewing yet, so they're going to call me when it is. And the lady said that if this one doesn't work out for some reason, they have other units coming available in the same building, and the layout is completely the same--murphy bed, dressers, stools, garage space, etc. So as irresponsible as it might sound, I have stopped looking for places. I am going to move into this particular building. I don't know exactly when or for how long, but I am. So now I'm going to focus on just having a good time and taking care of other kinds of business, like my taxes, finding some consulting work, and establishing a training routine.

This morning I taught class because Johnny's out of town. It was fun, and easier than it has been in the past, probably because 1) I am better at BJJ now, and 2) New Breed's curriculum is pretty well articulated, so everything that needed to be taught was on the clipboard. The clipboard also contains the warm-ups, which range from easy to tear-inducing. We're doing a fair amount of crying these days because we're trying to get into shape for the PanAms. Today was some random errands, and tonight was two BJJ classes.

Trying to think about what's going on. Tired. Tomorrow will be training at Newport Top Team (aka Eric's garage), maybe some laundry and some research about teaching online, and knocking other stuff off my to-do list. Falling asleep right now. Gonna do something about it. Probably sleep.

Oh, no pictures from when Eben was in town. I'm lazy and forgetful.

One last thing: had an okay day today re: dieting. Not stellar, but not terrible. I'll weigh myself in the morning. Although Jason says he has an uncanny ability to tell how much people weigh just by picking them up. He picked me up and said I weigh 146.

I hate him.

Not making time to write, obviously

Lots going on, which is why I'm not posting more--I have heard from several of the peanut gallery that I need to entertain them. Still trying to find a place to live, train, go to Cleber Luciano's tournament tomorrow (missed it today because I trained till about 3pm and then ate "lunch"), start thinking about working (sent my resume to a couple people who may hire me for consulting gigs), and otherwise figure out my life.

So, since Tuesday I've just trained; spent time on craigslist and looking at apartments in towns like Long Beach, Lakewood, and Whittier; hung out with Felicia, Wen, and the usual New Breed suspects; and talked on the phone with various people (Debbie, Adamarie, Jennifer*). I'm also supposed to be cutting weight for the Pan Ams, a big BJJ competition at the end of the month. Going to Chinese buffet and eating my weight in bread with olive oil and garlic probably doesn't help. Also doesn't make me pleasant to train with. I'm at 145 right now and if I want to make it into the 141 and under division, I need to get to about 138, because they weigh you with the gi on.

There's one apartment in Whittier that I really like the sound of. It's a studio, which is all I can handle right about now; the thought of furnishing a one- or two-bedroom place freaks me out too much. It's got a garage parking space. It's partially furnished, with dressers, stools for the kitchen bar, and a murphy bed. It's carpeted. And it's in a cute part of town near Whittier College, which is apparently Richard Nixon's alma mater. PLUS, it's month-to-month. So I can continue to nurse my commitment problem. I haven't seen it yet, but it's going to be shown starting Monday morning. So Monday at 9am I'll be calling and setting up an appointment.

I really think that once I get into a place of my own some of my anxiety and uncertainty will dissipate. Like I always say, it's so great that the guys there have let me stay for as long as they have, and I'll be forever grateful. But the lack of privacy is starting to wear on me, I guess. Weirdly, once I can have a space of my own again, I'll probably feel less lonely. Certainly I'll feel less rootless and more able to settle in. And I'll try not to remember that I will also still be able to have one foot out the door if I want. I'm committed to staying here at least through May and really LIVING here, rather than just squatting here.

Whittier also has a Trader Joe's. I went there the other day to get some groceries, but also to case the joint, of course. I liked it. Once I get settled I'll be able to check out whether they're hiring. One thing at a time--wow I sound like a recovering alcoholic.

Anyway, I finished watching the UFC earlier tonight and dinked around a little. Tomorrow morning is training with the usual suspects, hightailing it down to Cleber's tournament, which is wicked far (welcome to LA, where you spend most of your life in the car), and then probably getting back in time to set the alarm in time to call the apartment place on Monday.

I'll also try to take some pictures. Eben is in town for the weekend; Eben is a black belt under Kamole who is a New Breed instructor. He's been in Portland for the past couple months at the New Breed up there and is here to train for the weekend before he goes to Kauai for an MMA fight. I never got any pictures of me with him. Plus, Sean is back on the mat after almost a year of not being able to train. I never got any pictures of me with him either.

So there you go, peanut gallery! A short, boring post completely devoid of pictures. Don't say I never gave you anything.